Sye Online

Diary Comic 19/12/2011

2011-12-19T11:10:00.000Z

I don't begrudge people with money. I just wish students like this didn't represent all students. I come from a low-income household with a working class background, and I turned out with a far better understanding of economics than this dude.

At this point I was like to re-reiterate that this really happened.

The new web site is live!

2011-12-15T18:12:00.002Z

www.syeonline.com is live! Go check it out now!

GO NOW

Ok well actually, I should probably also mention that it might somewhat replace this blog. Perhaps not entirely, but I won't be publishing any of my comics on here as there isn't any point (what would I be paying hosting prices for otherwise, eh?)

More news later!

Diary Comic 12/12/2011

2011-12-12T12:00:00.000Z

Getting into less subtle colours here. Using monotone as a colour guide is very useful for figuring out how contrast can effect the way your eye moves around the panel and what not.

Yeah, this happens a lot. Some songs just effect me in different ways.

Diary Comic 5/12/2011

2011-12-05T12:00:00.000Z

You may be thinking to yourself "...but Sye, this isn't a diary comic, this couldn't possibly have happened!"

Not only will I say you shouldn't begin a sentence with the word 'but', I would also tell you that it did happen. So there.

That plant on my windowsill actually is called Joan.

Diary Comic 28/11/2011

2011-11-28T12:00:00.000Z

It was easy to reference this comic, as I was drawing it in that position at the time. I draw a lot of comics this way when I am at my parents' house. Someone get me a drawing desk for Christmas.

Diary Comic 22/11/2011

2011-11-21T12:00:00.000Z

Another diary comic. The woes of big feet. #firstworldproblems

My Art: an update.

2011-11-18T23:34:00.001Z

Improving my comic technique has been my main focus since the beginning of summer, and while I have half an hour spare before I head for bed, I think now is a fabulous time to go into some detail about the thought process behind my diary comics, explain some of the things I am trying with them, and why I think they are important.

University is taking an undeserved and probably unwise back burner at the moment. I've had some difficult family stuff to deal with recently, I've also been looking into restarting my self-employment as a means to make a little extra cash, and of course I have been reading, writing and studying comics and illustration for the past few weeks. All of this leaves me little time for University, which I admit is not really a terrible thing. I know, I know! It's what I have been working towards for the last four-or-so years, but I will be honest with you (as I always am), I have been studying media performance for the last two years with very little gratification from the course; I am starting to burn out. Naturally when you start to feel the strain of work, the best solution is to shift your focus to other activities until your interest is renewed. For me, my interest has shift back to my art.

I'd report back here during the middle of summer that I was trying to improve my comic process, this continues in much the same way having experimented with a number of techniques and confront some issues on that list. I've had a lot of fun working in different ways, with both traditional and digital material. I realised not too long ago that while the quality of the artwork has improved over these last few months, and being published has been a good indicator of that, my work was taking too long. Each comic of Steven took between eight and twelve hours to produce; one of the reasons there are so staggeringly few of them.

Enter the Diary Comics.

With my diary comics (DC's) I am able to still experiment with my art work, framing, speech bubbles & lettering, panel placement, storytelling and relevant subject matter without having to worry too much about polishing the final product. My DC's are admittedly a little amateur looking, but I am happy with that as I still consider myself somewhat amateur on the web-comics scene. It is also somewhat gratifying to know that I can have a subject in my comic which can be blissfully self indulgent of my own thought process, and people will still enjoy them. A few places around the web will tell you to avoid talking about yourself as the subject of your comic. Obviously most artists, if not all artists, put portions of themselves into every piece of work that they do. This is certainly true for character work, as far as I have seen. Some of the best characters in terms of depth, relatability, consistency and likeability have a noticeable trace of the artist; of the real in them. Then you get real gems such as Erika Moen's DAR Comic, a very impressive and in-depth diary comic which is very engaging to read (I really suggest reading it from the beginning).

So far, each DC has engaged my brain into trying a new storytelling approach, or a new approach to colouring or inking. Publishing on a regular schedule is very satisfying and because I have a bit of extra time right now, and the passion to tell such stories as I experience them, I am even pleased to say that I have a comic buffer for when things really heat up and I have less time to indulge.

I hope you enjoy them, I would like to say that I have not at all abandoned Steven, I just feel I need to wait for inspiration to approach me rather than force myself into making a comic. I felt I did that with the last one and as a result the whole thing suffered. I am pleased with how it turned out, I just didn't enjoy producing it as much as the first two.

Goodnight dear reader, dream of green fields~

This is agony

2011-11-14T00:00:00.001Z

My dog is old, in pain, and will be put to sleep on Teusday. I have to leave tomorrow (technically today) on Monday.

I can't say goodbye.

*I have moved this weeks comic update to next Monday. I need this to be here a little while to make me feel better. It won't work though.

More GIFts for the soul

2011-11-12T23:00:00.000Z

Considering my mass GIF posts are so popular, I suppose you guys can have some more. Same old routine, if the GIF doesn't animate, click it!

Diary Comic 04/11/2011

2011-11-07T11:30:00.000Z

Originally I had the teenagers saying some common 'young person' phrases, then I figured it really didn't need it.

Diary Comic 31/10/2011

2011-10-31T19:50:00.000Z

Sometimes when I listen to songs, a montage of other people listening to the song plays out in my head. Or I perhaps construct a music video for the song while I commute with my headphones in.

All of the images up there are what I have imagined while listening to "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey which I am sure everyone ever has heard by now.

Diary Comic 20/10/2011

2011-10-28T09:47:00.006+01:00

There are loads of things I wish. I think I need to stop being hard on myself and realise exactly how far I have come in the last five years or so.

Everyone has these thoughts.

Diary Comic 18/10/2011

2011-10-24T17:58:00.000+01:00

Regarding my recent job interview for a Assistant Web Dev job at a textiles company just up the road from my place in Salford.

I've decided that with Steven taking between 8 and 10 hours to finish, usually spread over a week or two, I am not publishing enough. These simple diary comics are a means for me to get some artwork online and they only take roughly an hour to make (you can see how simple they are.)

If you have seen some of my earlier work from a few years ago (lovingly posted both on my facebook and on a friends wordpress) you can probably see that these comics are taking me back to my roots in terms of how I draw figures and characters.

The goosebumps.

2011-10-15T19:42:00.000+01:00

I have been very busy lately. That isn't an apology, I prefer being busy (but you knew that anyway). I can tell when I am busy, I get little chance or motivation to draw. I do sometimes feel guilt that I am not keeping up the drawing regime that I could sustain so consistently over the summer. I have been keeping up with my favourite comics and sequential artists; in many ways I feel like this is just as important as drawing, but I know I am kidding myself.

I try not to punish myself for becoming a lazy artist, but recently I have really been trying to draw and not getting anywhere. This is due to circumstance as I am terribly punctual but leave little time either side of classes and cheer and the gym to drop some sketches into my pad. I drew on the train today, it isn't such a long journey but I can fill about twenty minutes with some sketches. Warm-up sketches really, and then I have no time to continue on to a piece which I could really be proud of. I am proud of the sketches I do, but they are hardly portfolio ready.

I recently had the epiphany that, even if I can't get the old sketchbook out as often as I'd like to, I can still practice on the tablet (which is the method I am using to produce Steven). It is rather difficult, but perhaps I am looking too closely at the artists I admire. I need to consider that artists such as Tyson Hesse (Boxer Hockey), Kelly Turnbull (Manly Guys...), Tracy Butler (Lackadaisy), Der-Shing Helmer (The Meek) Emmy Cicierega and more recently Faith Erin Hicks (Friends With Boys) have much more experience than I and work in many different formats. I've been reading quite a few art based 'how to do it' articles which suggest that if you don't feel like drawing every single day then you should simply give up any pretence of being an artist. This is obviously an extreme opinion, but I can't help but think that it is hitting home at times when my life seems to be going well without drawing everyday, when drawing every single day becomes a chore.

Perhaps I am being a little pessimistic. In the past week I have been drawing in my pad and on the computer, and I haven't hated it. I have enjoyed it every time and taken something from each sketch. I may not be organising my day around drawing and sketching, but I am certainly enjoying the opportunities I get to draw more. I particularly enjoy when my time to draw and sketch is integrated in the downtime of my everyday life, for example when I am on a fairly empty train heading home, or I have a spare half-hour between classes.

But the goosebumps, I still get them when I see some great art in the making. It is the reason I do what I do, I am working towards... well , this:

Steven: An update...

2011-09-25T23:48:00.002+01:00

So the first issue of Out On Campus is available online. If you are a loyal fan of my work (either of you) and are only interested in seeing Stephen the Gay Stormtrooper in a publication, don't bother; he isn't in there.

I feel like such an idiot. I was told he would be, I told others he would be; now I fid that he isn't by reading the thing myself and so now what? I'm now a liar...

Sorry. This late night pity party was sponsored by boredom I think. I am sure there is a perfectly logical reason that they didn't include the strip. I am not assuming they have done it to spite me, I am just annoyed that each strip probably clocks about eight hours work, and they couldn't find five minutes to drop me an email explaining their change of plans. Here I was thinking I was part of the picture, the team. I was assuming too much.

I have previously read warnings from other artists regarding working for free/charity/the promise of future rewards. The usual idea is that the people are offering 'exposure' and 'a good cause' and artists are advised to beware those fatal signs of no more a 'good cause' than a 'lost cause'. But this time I thought "No! It's students working together with a common goal!" and "They are begging for content, they must really need contributions!" and of course, couple that with my own insecurities about my art; such as the fact that it takes me eight hours to produce one strip and it takes others four hours to produce a full page. I said to myself "The only way I am going to produce work for someone else, for free, was if I was part of a team. An equal member of a team, a partner."

They didn't tell me it wasn't going to be in the first issue. At this point I do not know if it will be in the second issue or any other issues. I have sent an email to ask, but this blog post is me venting my anger.

Steven #3

2011-09-15T14:00:00.000+01:00

Here it is, number three of Steven the Gay Stormtrooper. My idea's list is getting low for Steven so I might make a dent in my regular comic idea's page. This will be nice, although Steven is only one strip, roughly the size of a quarter of an A4 piece of paper (in portrait) it is still a lot of work.

I prefer working at A4, I feel I have more space to tell a story. Also my jokes tend to need a bit of set-up for their full impact, so I feel a little cheap coming up with these one line jokes and obvious punchlines and puns (I don't, I love them, I'm just saying that to sound superior.)

I'm set until next year for the magazine, I might get some full pagers done in the meantime until I think of some new gay jokes.

BUBS: The Handstand

2011-09-11T09:00:00.018+01:00

I have not happily transitioned into my new house and, bar a few teething problems, am back on track to Build Upper Body Strength.

This week cheer has focussed mainly on going over what we learned at FCC last month (more on that here and coming soon) so keeping tight in the upper body and core has been essential for hitting motions precisely and with speed. We have also been pumping our gymnastics, I've been taking it easy since doing my back in at pride a week or so ago and so have been mainly working on leg flexibility simple lower body stretches. I conceed to have been focussing on the handstand perhaps a little too much for my back to get better, but I am determined to hit a hand stand for over a minute.

Guys, don't underestimate what a handstand can do for you. There are tons of examples I can give of the value to your shoulders, arms and core given by a simple hand stand. It's quick, easy to learn but hard to master. One thing I have kept up with at practices is a few handstands here and there.

As far as I'm concerned there are two things to think about when performing a handstand: strength, and balance. You'll find people perform the handstand in different ways but it is usually a combination of the two working harmoniously to get the most pleasing handstand. Notice I used the phrase most pleasing and not the word best. This is because you may be performing a handstand for a different reason from the next guy, it really has a lot of utility.

For example, like I said before, the handstand is a great tool for building upper body strength, particularly those muscles we use in cheerleading when we are lifting the flyers to shoulder height and above. Our core, our biceps, our deltoids, they all engage to keep us rooted and balanced when we are standing on our hands.

Sometimes you might see a guy perform a handstand with his arms much wider than his shoulders, his back arched, his legs open and leaning forward. I call this kind of handstand a Muscle-handstand, because you are basically engaging all of your core and arm muscles to sublimate your lack of equilibrium. This is not a 'bad handstand' and nor is any handstand where you are actively engaging your muscles. In fact this is usually the type of handstand someone might do if they were using the handstand to build muscle in the first place i.e. handstand push-ups. Your basically using brute force to push your lower body off the ground and hold it there.

Other times you will see someone put their hands on the floor, shoulder width apart and quickly kick their legs up one at a time until they are vertical, they will then stay there. Lucky gits. These are more Balance-handstands, where the performer quickly finds their equilibrium and only engages their arms and core muscles to steady themselves, relying mainly on posture and balance to keep them up. They are still engaging their muscles, but it is taking them less effort to keep up because they are also thinking about balance and coordination. this is a more energy efficient handstand which is more suited to gymnastics and is the base of a few tumbles you might use in a cheer routine; handstand to forward roll, walk-overs, lumbers, handsprings can all be improved through proper handstand technique.

Now, I'm still learning a decent handstand, but the technique is what is important. There are things you can do to speed up the process of hitting a good handstand a length of time you can support yourself with. If you are totally new at handstands and want to utilise this fantastic method of strength and coordination building, here are a few tips.

- Start small if your scared

I hear a lot of people when they want to do handstands say '...but I'm afraid I will fall'. There is something about being the other way up with inhibits us and I think it has something to do with our head. Any time our head goes through a motion which is completely out of the ordinary, it tends to freak people out. With the handstand, you might be thinking 'My head is very close to the floor here and there is only the strength of my arms stopping it from being crushed under my own weight.' Well start small! I know we are all generally taught that our head is glass and we aren't allowed to touch it ever, the skull is actually quite a solid thing; But this is besides the point. If your concerned you can't hold yourself up without hitting the floor, don't go vertical just yet. try holding more and more of your body weight on your forearms, something like this:

This position is fantastic for giving you the right feeling of muscle and balance. Start small at first, maybe just tuck your knees to your chest and lean onto your forearms, see how long you can hold yourself up. As you gain confidence, be a little more daring; keep your knees tucked by bring them over your hips so that your torso is vertical and your knees are crouched. You can do this using just your muscle for now, do it against a wall if your still unsteady or unsure how far you want to go. That reminds me...

- Walls are your friend

You don't want to hit anything when you try your handstands? That's fine! Remember in school when some kids would do a handstand on a wall for fun? That's exactly what you need. Place your hands maybe 10cm to 15cm away from the wall and kick up. The trick is to try and guess how much power you will need on the kick-up so that your legs stop short or on the wall without going into it. You should have your fingers spread apart, your hands under your shoulders and your upper body should be engaged at the time you kick up. When your legs reach close to where you want them to stop, engage your abdomen and your arse and keep everything tight. Think planking from the chest down. Then you use your upper body strength to gain your balance and hold you up.

- Kick-ups work!

If you can't get your balance, don't be discouraged. You'd be some kind of mutant gymnast god if you could do it perfectly on your first go. The goal is to keep kicking up until you find just the right amount of force which gives you 0 momentum when you reach the vertical. Don't rest too much, if you kick-up and don't make it, use the rebound to kick up again. Just don't spend too long bent over because you might get a little light headed, and make sure to take a break when your frustrated because you might channel your anger into your legs and kick the wall with the force of a thousand suns (can you tell I might be talking from experience?)

In the end, it all depends what you are handstanding for. It works wonders for building strength, and getting you mental for other more difficult tumbles further down the line, but each handstand can have a different approach, hell, many different approaches for the best results. Here are a few decent video tutorials, notice the different ways people do their handstands, and the results are positive in any case. These videos are by the guys behind the Strength Project, they have a great collection of videos so make sure you subscribe to their channel...

(All about the muscle baby)

(Hand-balancing)

In the end, someone who can do a really good handstand will probably tell you that their way is the best way to do it, and the only way if you want to get it right/build strength/look good. You need to cherry pick the tips they give you and create your own style, whatever works for you is the right way to do a handstand. Just remember that you have a goal in your head, if your working on your handstand technique to improve your gymnastics, or upper body strength, or using them for break dancing to look good. If you have that goal in your head, you will stay motivated.

The results will be worth it, don't give up!

Czech Republic and FCC Camp 2011 Part 1

2011-09-07T15:42:00.001+01:00

Last year the girls decided it would be a good idea to get away and practice cheerleading in a foreign country. A weeks intensive cheer training in Czech Republic at a sports hotel. I was invited, but unfortunately I could not afford to go. At this point I was still dead set on learning to drive during the summer and foolishly withheld most of the years finances for that. As you might know, in the end I bought this sweet ass PC which on the whole has served me well, although I do not know how it compares to a driving liscence, at least this thing doesn't have recurring bills.

However, I saw on their return that they had this fantastic bond, and clearly they enjoyed themselves while they were away as the pictures and the stories attest. I decided this year that I would join my team mates, bite the bullet and head off to Czech.

The arrangement this year was somewhat different. The plan was to travel out on the eighth (a Monday) and spend the evening in Prague. Our arrival time would have been rather late, so we had little choice but to stick around in Prague city until transport became avilable to take us to Kitlice, where we were to spend a few days before camp started. The plan was to stunt early morning in Prague, when it was light enough to take some decent pictures, but quiet enough as we would not be disturbed. From there, the morning after, we jump on the train to Kitlice where we spend a few days at the cottage where our gracious guide, good friend and squad captain's mother takes her holiday. After a few days in that beautiful remote village we would catch the train again and land at Machovo Jezero (on the Thursday) where the camp is located. Check in to the hotel, then the camp started in the afternoon on the Thursday and ran right till the afternoon on the Sunday, where we say our goodbyes and leave the hotel. We will have a little time to go swimming at this point and there is a lake nearby, so hopefully we could do that before leaving for Prague by bus later that afternoon, to catch out flight later that evening and arrive back in Manchester in the wee early hours of Monday the fifteenth.

So we flew out on the eighth. I'd never flown before so this was a fantastic experience for me. We had no trouble at the airport and borded the plain in a pleasant and timely fashion. Taking off is awesome! They lull you into a false sense of anti-climax by taking their sweet-ass time maneuvering the plane into place, and then BAM the engines kick in and the plane shoots from naught to eithy eight in the blink of an eye. Taking off is a rollercoaster, landing is torture. I like the whole turning and descending thing, but my ears are so painful when it comes to dropping so quickly. Going up doesn't hurt, it's just a weird sensation. Going down is very painful indeed. Luckily in a single plane journey you only have to do it once.

Touch down in Prague, we caught the bus to town centre and wandered aimlessly before finding a big pretty church which we decided to stunt infront of...

From here we wandered aimlessly again in search of the famed Charles Bridge which we found, and promptly turned into a slum...

The plan to stunt in the wee hours fell through. Unfortunately with us avoiding to pay for a hostel for the night in the hopes of saving a bit of money and under the assumption that we wouldn't need it we inadvertantly tired ourselves to the point where most of us believed that stunting would be dangerous. We went to the train station and tried to kip on the floor for a bit until two warm-friendly looking security guards came to move us on. No matter, at this point it was soon to be time to jump on the train.

Now, this is where the holiday takes a dramatic turn for me. It's a slightly long story but I'll shorten it for you. When I took my money to the post office to exchange it for Czech Corona it was my first time doing so and I admit to the person serving me that I didn't really understand the whole exchange rate thing. I gave her £150, she gave me 1200¢ and I went to Prague safe in the knowledge that I had enough money. Turns out that she'd only given me about £50 worth of Czech money, and considering I still had to pay the equivilant of £60 to the FCC people for the camp, it was at this point in the station that I found out I had come to a different country without so much as my camp fees in cash. Luckily my dad is a genius and gave me £60 to bring with me 'just in case', well, that should read 'just in case, and if not, get me some fags' but I'm still glad the man is on the ball. I changed that at 30% commission at the train station (I know right!) and jumped on the train to Kitlice feeling thoroughly depressed.

Luckily my squaddies saw this and were able to make me laugh, and not feel sorry for myself (though I think unfortunately until we arrived at the village I was adamant on that.) Funny thing the effect the countryside has on a person. I mean I genuinely love travelling on trains anyway, but Czech is so similar to england in it's countryside it was a pleasant journey. That is apart from the fact that at this point most of us had gone a full day without sleeping. I can't sleep on trains, so while a few of the others could catch up, I remained unfortunately vigilant (not through lack of trying.)

Our arrival in Kitlice was a welcome relief from an evening and a mornings worth of travel. Many of us were ready to wash, change, or simply to lie down for five or ten minutes. The cottage was still under construction, though you could see even without carpets or a door for the toilet it was a labour of love, and would be stunning when completed. Our hosts were very gracious to let eight of us stay in one room, even more gracious on the second night after finding how loud we can be in the evening. We waste no time that day, and later in the evening after resting and washing, which was an event in itself; the shower directly faced a large window, and had no door to the shower room (I'd luckily showered in the train station that morning and managed to avoid it) we went to a local pub for a meal. The food was fantastic! Easily something a fine diner would serve here and yet a three course meal with drinks cost no more than the equivilant of £8. I think eight of us had three courses and drinks and the total came to just over £25 or so.

The choice of cuisine was not particularly varied for vegitarian/herbivore types such as myself. I usually had to choose from fried mushrooms, fried cheese, fried coliflour... you get the point. Still, fried cheese is something of a high end delicacy here, something you might find as a starter in an expensive resturaunte; having it as a meal with rice or chips in is a welcome turn of events, even afer the third time eating it in a week.

On the second day we went horse riding. I'd never been horse riding before, something which I romantically held as the unattainable in my head. I live in Wigan, even if there were more than one or two schools which offered such a service, the price would take the shine off of the experience. We spent a few hours taking turns on the horses while we walked through the amazing Czech forrest and countryside. It was a lot like Wales (Angelsey, to be particular) with thick forrests of large Redwoods and sprawling green valleys, and rain; Only a touch of rain mind. The rain in Czech Republic is not like the rain here. It is predictable rain; you know when it starts, no matter how heavy it is, that it will last no more than an hour or two. This was the case on a few days over the week but the weather didn't effect the holiday at any point, apart from when it was beautifully sunny, which was wonderful! On our way back to the cottage at this point we walked by a small lake which we decided to explore with our feet. Posing for pictures became a given on this holiday and all of us (even the ones who usually object) obliged and indulged. The water was freezing.

Later that evening we went back to the same eatery as in the afternoon and had a wonderful evening meal which was fllowed not too soon after by one of the most funny nights I have ever shared on holiday. Everyone in the room together might not have been the most comfortable of evenings (I spent the entire holiday sleeping either on the floor or on an air-bed on the floor) it was made perfect by the company. I don't think I've laughed so much or had so much fun with my squaddies in my whole time as a cheerleader as I did when I was with them in that room. My holiday to Czech was an amazing experience, but it wouldn't have been half as good without the people I shared it with.

On our final day in Czech we went for a long hike up a rather large hill. It took us through some rural roadways (at which point we found a camp called U Skaly which caused hours of amusement) and on through a dense, sprawling forrest, over a couple of railway tracks and up a steep gradient which led to a charming little eatery at the top. There was also a high, round tower which we payed to ascend giving us a wonderful panoramic of the vista which seemed to go on to eternity. I am romantic when it comes to places of natural beauty and awe-inspiring views, perticularly if you work to see it such as a hike up a hill. The journey was as wonderful as the destination; we even found an old WWII bunker (Czech was occupied by Nazi Germany during the war) which we poked around before heading back to the cottage.

That evening we tried a different resturaunt, well... it seemed like there was a choice of two pub's in town, so we chose the other one in which to dine on our last night in Kitlice. We enjoyed our food, our host was very warm towards us and we even stayed a little later to enjoy some drinking games. Of course jocularity continued to a lesser scale that evening as we were all feeling the strain of getting such little sleep the past few days. The next morning we awoke bright and early to catch our train to Machovo Jezero and to begin the FCC training camp. Our time spent in Kitlice was a wonderful break but now we all knew, there was hard work ahead.

Stay tuned for part two...

Steven #2

2011-09-03T15:17:00.001+01:00

The second one in the series 'Steven the Gay Storm Trooper. A few notes I think I should make at this point...

It's a little joke within the joke that you can't tell the Troopers apart when they are in uniform. I know they are supposed to be clones, and so they really should be the same size and everything, but I am using the Troopers from the original trilogy as a base model, and at this point the world didn't know the origins of the Troopers (artistic licensing meets my private sense of humour)
I'm still learning the ins and outs of specific panel, word bubble and colour conventions for printing, normally I publish on the web where I can be as creative with the above as I like, but for print there are certain rules I'm finding important. For example, I can't have too much text per panel, I can't go overboard on the art work (as I seem to have in the last panel, derp) and the text/important stuff needs to contrast highly with what isn't important so that the eye goes where I want it to.
I'm avoiding textures, I don't want the reader to be distracted.
I'm using colour because I can, I know most printed comics are either heavily desaturated or black and white. Both can be effective, but if I can have lots of lovely colour, I will do. However the colour might be a little too distracting in the last panel, your thoughts are welcome.

I can report on the situation regarding having Steven published however: They loved it! The magazine (Out On Campus) are offering me a regular spot on the features page for Steven. However, there was a mix up with how often they will publish. See, to regular Joe's like me (and probably you) bi-monthly means 'twice a month' but to publishers, it pretty consistently means 'every two months.' You've guessed it already I can tell, that means the magazine only needs six strips for the entire year, two being published digitally.

Still, published is published. I will be popping them on the website and hopefully I'll have time this year to do more than what they will be needing. I have idea's for about four or five now besides the two I have already done. I've no doubt I can produce at least one a month, so whatever extra I do I shall just publish online.

Stay tuned gang, more to come!

(As usual, comments and critiques welcome)

Video's from pride

2011-08-29T10:55:00.003+01:00

I'm gonna use the blog to dump all the video's I find of our group from the Manchester Pride Parade 2011. Now, I'll warn you, these will probably be ten minute videos with about two seconds of our float on them, but hey, people like to see their work. That's the poor thing about pride, we spend all out time and effort working on a float and entertaining the crowd, and people tend not to take that many pictures of us.

http://youtu.be/HFRQ_r4V6p4?t=5m46s

http://youtu.be/HjNis3cPY2k

http://youtu.be/Tw6v8awzZyA?t=7m45s

http://youtu.be/ZE_abATO67Q?t=19m55s [new!]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fikF_0srSI&feature=youtu.be&t=9m4s [new!]

I'm throwing some pictures up in to an album I've made on Facebook which you can check out here. That's it for now, maybe there will be more soon, who knows! If anyone see's anything, leave a comment; Cheers!

Steven: Pilot

2011-08-23T18:44:00.001+01:00

This strip took a little too long to polish, I think if it is going to be a regular thing (as I hope it will be) I will need to be more economic with my time and effort. Comments and critiques welcome!

My New Project

2011-08-19T23:11:00.002+01:00

I love a project.

If your a regular reader (hi mum) you'll probably already be aware of this but it bares saying again; I love a project. Just reading this blog for longer than twenty minutes will tell you that if I can tackle something head on and make a meal of it, I usually enjoy myself and get a greater commitment from it.

About a month ago I got an email regarding Out On Campus, a new LGBT student magazine with content directed to LGBTQ students, written and submitted by LGBTQ students. In the email there was a call for submissions writers, graphic designers, photographers etc. You name it and it was pretty much there being requested. Apart from from a comic of course. I sent them an email explaining that I am something of a cartoonist, and offering my services.

The magazine will publish Bi-monthly from November, so twenty four strips for a full year unless holidays are a no go, in which I'll probably still make something up as print-syndicated strips are relatively easy to make compared to my usual A4 full pagers. I've spent the week thinking up an idea which will combine what I am passionate about with the LGBT nature of the paper and I think I have landed on something which will allow me to get out a quick punchline comic for print without too much explanation...

I'm still working on some of the finer points of it. It will combine my love of sci-fi and general nerdy shit with the LGBT nature of the magazine. It will also give me easy access to a quick punchline using abstract jokes combining the fantastical star wars universe with our ordinary gay stereotypes.

I will say that if this strip is taken up for the magazine I will be getting my arse in gear and publishing it on my new blog as well. I was going to hold off publishing a web-comic on my blog until I could get a regular update schedule and comic buffer up, but if I will be producing a comic bi monthly anyway, why not?

Stay tuned my lovelies, more on this story as it develops.

Addendum: Out On Campus are still looking for submissions and people to fill roles on their voluntary staff, head over to their website if your interested!

New Blog for You!

2011-08-17T22:44:00.000+01:00

Hey all!

Loads of stuff going on right now. Just got back from a rather busy trip to Czech Republic and the wonderful FCC Cheer camp which I will blog about soon. Also I'm in talks with a new LGBT student newspaper and may be producing a comic strip for them so stay tuned for more information on that as well.

This update is basically to let you know that I am still alive, and after coming home from Cheer Camp with spirit coming out of my arse, I've decided to push all cheerleading related updates into a separate blog. So any of you who read my blog and are not interested in the musing of a cheerleader can stick around here. If you are the type to be interested in Cheerleading, you can head on over to my new dedicated blog:

Do A Toe Touch

Short Film: Dennis

2011-08-07T12:00:00.001+01:00

Found a wonderful short film, very moving.

GIFts

2011-08-05T19:26:00.000+01:00

Here's some choice GIFs for you, if it's not animated, click it!

Hang on a second...

2011-08-03T18:24:00.002+01:00

After finishing my kinda-tutorial on css, I quickly checked to see how I've been doing in terms of traffic. Typically I've been pretty much zero, which is fine, I'm used to it. There is a feature on Blogger which shows you how people are finding their way to your web site, and what search terms they are using to find you. Here is from today...

Seriously?

First of all, who is searching for that?

Second, why the hell is google sending them here!

[Mental note: Need more practice]

Web Design Project: Salford Sirens Cheerleading Squad and CSS mini-tutorial.

2011-08-03T15:48:00.004+01:00

It was just over a week ago I think when I managed to get hold of the access information for the Salford Sirens mini-site. For those who are unaware, I am a cheerleader, coach and committee member of the Salford Sirens, which are Salford University's cheerleading squad. I'm also sort-of the unofficial web-administrator, though I do so voluntarily and happily (if you know me at all you'd probably already know that I love to sink my claws into a project.)

Check it out: Salford Sirens Cheerleading Squad! but also stick around, because I am going to discuss a few things about it.

As the Sirens are a part of the USSU, they get an 'activities' mini-site on the Student Union's home page, which are to be created and updated by members of the activities clubs and societies themselves. So my task for the past week has been to turn the Sirens' page from a one-page information sheet with a few scraps of what cheerleading is about and some measly pictures to... well, something presentable.

The format is similar to that of a single blog entry, anyone familiar with the likes of Blogger, Wordpress, Tumblr or any similar blogging platform will know what this means. You are given a white box, and some meta buttons over the top to 'help' with designing the page. I tend to write everything in code, that way I know exactly how it's going to look and I don't need to worry about the design being incompatible with different browsers (which is a particular issue considering most of the browsers at university run on an older version of IE.) I'm the same with blog posts or other data entry which offers 'advanced' HTML help in the format of a font or colour drop down box, I just don't trust em...

Anyway, back on topic. As you can imagine, setting up a multi-page mini-site was no small task thanks to this little lack of functionality. For the other non-code/design literate groups it's fine to just pop some information on a one or two page mini-site, I'd imagine not many clubs or societies have a web designer as a member (unless there's a Web-Design society I don't know about, there's an idea...) so I can't really blame the other sites for their simplicity. Fact is I had a lot of time on my hands and I'm a stickler for detail, and making things look pretty.

It went from a simple five pages to a slightly more complex seven pages. The news page is probably one of the first times I've really hammered the social network connectivity on a site which is non-blog related. It's much more difficult on a web-site than a blog, as most modern blogging software offers the connectivity in the form of widgets or plugins, whereas this is just straight up code (iframes and the like.) A few more hoops to jump through but otherwise I am pleased with the result, it means that there is a little bit of dynamic content on a page which may end up neglected if I get too busy with Uni work (or I don't manage to teach the others how to update it.)

Another thing to note is the menu bar. I am particularly pleased with this as it is all done using image sprites. I'll try and explain a little about the process, but there are plenty of tutorials online that go into more detail about it such as this one and this one (and maybe even this one.)

For the uninitiated, CSS is a method of separating style from content in web design. You can use CSS to control elements such as background colour, height, width, alignment blah blah, basically you can adjust a LOT with CSS without effecting the actual element itself. So if you have a table with a CSS class, and you adjust the class, it will adjust the table (and all other tables with the same class.) I'm possibly not being very clear, so here's a picture...

...very helpful. The reason why CSS is so useful for web designers is that not only can you manage the style using any number of attributes, but those three tables can be on three seperate pages. Say you have a table on three different pages with your birth certificate, pin number and home address, and you want those three tables to look the same on every page? throw a class="AllMyPersonalInformation" in a style sheet and link it to those web pages (again, not going into detail here, google it if you wanna' find out how) and BAM, those three web pages will have the same table on each one. I don't think I explained that very well, oh sod it...

...I think that makes even less sense, I'm not very good at explaining things I suppose. The software on the mini-sites did NOT come with the sort of interconnectivity I am used to using so having the pages link to a single cascading style sheet wasn't possible. As such, I had to insert all the code that I used to make the menu and image sprites work individually on each page (which is a ball ache when it comes to editing the menu later on.)

BUBS hiatus and other nonsense.

2011-07-28T15:23:00.000+01:00

I have been eating like a pig lately. That has nothing to do with BUBS of course, I am not too bothered about putting on weight with University looming just around the corner. I am confident that once uni kicks off again I will lose any extra I have gained over the holidays (and proceed to put it back on the following holidays.)

Unfortunately there is this issue with gym access, or lack thereof. I know that you do not necessarily need a kitted out gym to build strength. I could hammer push-ups and jack-knifes along with my cheerleading, but it just doesn't motivate me like a good workout room does. I am not the sort of gym bunny to swan around in a vest, gingerly clutching my protein shake while admiring my fake tan in the strength room mirrors. Anyone who regularly attends a gym will tell you the same thing, it's all about being in a different place with a bunch of other people who share your goals of fitness.

When I go to the gym, I have my gym head on. I get there, I get ready, I cardio, I work out, I swim and then sauna and wind down. That is my gym life. I don't go every day like some people, I don't hog the weight room like a muscle Mary. I do a little of everything, keeping in mind my goals from BUBS (which I am regiment with, while at the gym.) When I am here, at home in Wigan, I just cannot enter that frame of mind. I know there is a lovely wooded nature area across the road ideal for jogging, or cycling (which I have been considering) but I just don't seem to have the motivation when I am here.

What I do find odd is that I have been drawing and updating the website all summer. I haven't given working out much of a thought outside of cheer practice, but I have been drawing or sketching almost everyday. Yet when I am at uni, I don't make a single thing. You can guarantee I hit the gym at least once a week though.

Maybe I have yet to find the balance between the two. In the gym I feel like I am working towards something, a firmer body with less loose skin and the ability to jump higher, lift girls for longer, clear concise goals. When drawing I am working towards bettering my technique to produce higher quality work in less time, so that I can get them online and (hopefully) entertain the masses; not to mention fill a portfolio which might get me work. I think I need to strike a balance between the two, I shall have this as my goal for the next academic year.

So BUBS is on hold until I return to sunny Salford, at which point it may not just be build Upper Body Strength, but also Lose Summer Fat at the same time! On an unrelated note, here's a sketch of a dude (work in progress)...

I could ink this in Photoshop as is, but there is something about it which I don't like, so I'm going to keep working in colours, then try the pencil/inking method I suggested in my previous post.

Until next time!

My comic process, and how I want to improve it.

2011-07-14T01:05:00.000+01:00

For those who don't know, for just over a month I've really been hammering my art to see how much I can improve before Uni starts up again. I know that I can manage a decent looking comic, and in this past month I have learned a lot about technique, industry etiquette and standardisation.

Of course, one has never fully learned everything. There are many improvements to be made before I am truly proud to stand with the other cartoonists listed to the right and hold my head as high as they so rightly deserve to. Practice everyday is one thing, but my technique, that is something I am also hoping to evolve.

To that end, here is my current modus operandi, from start to 'finish'...

Pencil sketching
As all of the comics I have produced thus far have been autobiographical or surrealism based on a real character (myself) I have had little need for a script. Therefore I simply start with the joke in my head, I thumbnail the panels then draw out the comic on paper. I start with wire frames of the foreground characters with a basic background, then develop both. At this point I will usually also pencil in areas for the bubbles or boxes (which is an improvement from my last method, which was to make the scene in its entirety, then decide where the bubbles go thereby wasting some rather luscious background to a speech bubble.)

Scanning and inking
After the above is done to my satisfaction, I scan the image in at 300DPI and load it into Photoshop. I then use it as a base, ink over the pencil lines on a new layer above the pencil sketch to get a clean black line. Once the line art is ready I will add a borders layer above it and a colours layer below it.

Colouring
The most laborious part of comic construction is the colouring. It can take well over two or three hours to finish the colouring on a comic and most aspects of my comic only uses the basic fill tool. I do not differ amongst warm and cool tones to produce depth like other comics. This isn't because I am intrinsically lazy, more a case of I haven't perfected the technique yet and so I do not want to produce comics which are sub par, particularly in light of the fact that many comics are wonderful in simple black and white.

A note on shading
Usually the last thing I do with the pen is shading and possibly highlights. although in a recent comic I tried my hand at gradient shading (using shadows which get darker/lighter either end) and with a little practice I think I can get the hang of it. At the moment, using a transparent black to indicate where the shadows are hitting is fine, but it still does not define the images as 3D objects as much as I'd like them.

Framing, bubbles and text
Usually the last thing I do besides minor aesthetic tweaks is the text and speech bubbles/annotation blocks. this is just a case of placing them where I planned to from the original sketch.

There's one or two things at each stage of development that I would like to play around with. I am restricted by time, but here are a few of my ideas...

Pencil sketching (EVERYTHING)
I want to try making an entire comic using only pencil sketching. This means that the comic will be done entirely on paper, in pencil. The method I intend to use would be to sketch very lightly using a small mechanical pencil, then use heavier lines with a softer lead (possibly a thicker one depending on the line). When finished, I use a very accurate eraser to rub out all the unwanted lines. I can also clean everything up in photoshop (and make the pencil lines as dark as ink.)

This will save me hours of work with the tablet and make the whole process simpler and cleaner. The only issue is that I will really need to train myself to take more care when working with pencil and paper. This is something which will happen only through practice, it will take diligence but then nothing worth having in this life comes easy. This also leads me onto...

...Working bigger
One thing I realise when I am working on paper and transferring to computer is that on the computer I can get much more detail on things such as clothing and faces because I can zoom in, draw what I need, and zoom out. I cannot do that on paper. Well, not effectively. My best bet is to use two or three sheets per comic and build the panels separately, take up maybe half or a whole sheet of A4 per panel. Ideally I would make the comic on A3 paper, then scan in chunks and resize on the PC. This will be the best way to get detail on things such as clothes and backgrounds in pencil.

Colouring
At the moment I am not thinking of complicating my colouring process, except that I may consider using more gradients as I have had some pleasing results thus far. This does mean using more of the polygon selection tool. I may also experiment with using channels again soon, just because I can see it being a big help in the future considering all the industry techniques you can use to manipulate colour.

Shading
I think the only change I will make to shading is that I may consider adding shading at the pencil stage, and either enhancing that shading through photoshop or leaving it as is. On a similar note, I do intend to play more with secondary light and coloured highlights (using warm or cool tones) to enhance the scenes.

Bubbles and Boxes
I need to standardise my text. I have picked a font at the moment which is quite hand-drawn in appearance. I would like something different that would set my comic apart from the standard 'Anime Acers' out there. I know font doesn't make a comic and there's no point polishing a turd, but I am a stickler for detail. I may experiment with hand-drawing my text. I have also read up on some interesting articles during my research and found that a few people like to hand draw their bubbles, which I like the effect of and thus taken to. There are also some helpful hints out there on text placement and etiquette.

There you have it. I shall no doubt report my findings and any pieces I deem blog worthy. though I am concious of giving up the experimental strips as I do not want to be known as a bad artist right off the bat. However, I am a warts-an'-all kind of writer/artist and find beauty in the process and the imperfect as much as the perfect.

Plus I like being told how good I am <3

More mass GIFs

2011-07-13T00:26:00.001+01:00

Wouldn't want you to get bored now would I. Click on the image if it doesn't animate in this window...

One for you to decide.

2011-07-07T13:34:00.000+01:00

I've spent over a month researching and honing sequential art (comic) techniques. There are some really artistic web comics out there, and some simplistic ones, all are effective in their own ways.

In case you haven't been keeping up, I am in the process of producing a web comic to accompany the new blog, which by the way is looking fierce...

In the above screen cap you can see a comic which I have recently produced as a tester for a couple of new techniques I've been working on. firstly, the border and the bubbles are dynamic, not set as a template. No transparency (I didn't like how that looked anyway.) I've used a texture on the background which I plan to do more often as I think it gives the comic a little depth. Also I have decided I did not like dot for eyes, I felt limited in how the characters could express themselves. I also miss giving colour to eyes.

I've been studying perspective, anatomy, proportion, drawing and posing techniques as well as panel placement and such. I have a few books on the way which will help me with these things. I've taken a lot of inspiration from the web comics which I have been reading (and am as a result, addicted to.) I'll add all the web comics I read to a box to the right because they really are fantastic reads (even for those who are not familiar to the comic genre.)

Here are a few sketches I have produced as a result of my research (this is digital, the stuff in my actual sketchbook will stay there because there's too much to upload.)...

That last one is actually a panel to one of the comics I am working on, but I liked it so much I decided to keep it as an image. I think I'm improving, though this only related marginally to the actual comic, which is something that will improve over time. It's not like I can do a months worth of work and make five years worth of progress, I will just need to be patient.

So, onto the question for you, the reader. I want you to look at these comics and pick out what you like and what you don't like. Don't be afraid to make a criticism but try and name something you like and don't like in equal measure, that way I know which direction to go. I have my own style and my own criticisms of my work (I am honestly my worst critic) but a second/third/whatever opinion would be greatly appreciated, I've added some notes to each to give you a better idea of what I'm asking of you...

In this one, the panels are too cramped and the overall joke isn't clear, but I like the look of the background (lacking black lines, giving it an open feel.) Also the wording is off.

I like the font in this one, but the lines have no life to them. Otherwise I consider it a success. It was this comic that convinced me to draw them freehand from now on.

This one took over a week to finish. I do not like the transparency on the speech bubble in the second panel, but I like how busy it is compared to the similarity of the other panels with my mother in them. Also I don't like drawing people I know, so I probably won't be doing that again.

This is the first of my new experimental style. I ditched the border template and rounded-square bubbles, textures on the background, but it's boring, the movement is interesting but the same character stood up in every panel is not interesting to look at, however, I still consider it a good job for a first push.

There you go, I started you off. You can either agree with me, or disagree and please explain. You don't need to know about comics to criticise mine, I want to know that an audience of any type will find it pleasing to read, or at the very least understand it.

Big love!

BUBS: 23rd June, Picture-less update

2011-06-23T21:41:00.001+01:00

That's right, although I'm sure you were all dying to see my stretch mark ridden podgy white-boy body, I'm afraid due to logistics of living back with the folks over summer, I can't really get a picture of my body which is a reliable indication of my progress. I'm afraid you'll have to settle on a description of how I'm doing with Build Upper Body Strength.

In terms of weight gain, the protein diet has helped a little, I have gained about four pounds while staying the same size at the waist and hips (typically the first places I show cellulite) so I can only assume it's gone to my firmer core muscles and biceps. When working out with cheer leading and gymnastics I have discovered a nasty side effect of repetitive movement of a flexible nature, my joints now click or grind when they move. I know this is likely due to the fact that they are taking a little more strain than they are used to and so the crud that gathers at your joints might be shifting around. I'm certainly more flexible now, particularly my back...

I have come to appreciate the awesome power that handstands have on building upper body strength and core muscles, as well as balance and dexterity. I plan on writing a little guide on perfecting and working with the handstand in order to work out on your upper body, if I can find a suitable venue, I will also shoot a video tutorial (though mine still needs a bit of work.)

Lastly, go check out the guys at The Strength Project, they are good people.

Why I do not publish.

2011-06-14T13:48:00.001+01:00

Some have mentioned to me that my blog is very interesting. while my rebuker may be that the blog's feature is me and therefore inherently uninteresting, I can recognise a compliment when I see one and am generous in my acceptance of it.

Someone might then go on to suggest that my blog is so interesting that I should consider advertising it to gain a larger reader-base. I have been known on occasion to pop the odd post onto facebook which might make something more convenient for me for example, instead of telling everyone how my first gig went, I simply post the link to the entry on my facebook. Or perhaps there is an issue I wish to confront and would have those who know me best enlightened to the subject in question (such as my post on cheerleading.)

The latter example probably received the most hits out of all the entries on my blog, in fact, I'll do a quick check on my stats thing... ..yes, it did, 95 views and counting. If I were to put my finger on why, it would be that the subject matter was controversial, that there are many people on my facebook who wouldn't think there would be an issue with cheerleading and so might be overcome with curiosity, it could also be that because the issue is hotly debated in the cheerleading community it might have hit a certain amount of keyword filters for search engines.

All this is pretty much besides the point. Fact is, while I am pleased that people are reading the blog and getting to know a little more about who I am and what I am up to, I have dedicated myself to the idea that the blog is a journal. When I started it a number of years ago it was to replace my paper journals which had been going on since I was sixteen years old. While I may censor the more intimate and personal information from the blog, I have kept almost entirely true to it's original concept and this has in the past been to my detriment. I can recall one occasion when someone I know used the information I'd posted in one entry (the information regarding why I don't drink alcohol, and using a convenient excuse) against me. I was defenceless and I felt genuinely hurt, mainly because every person who reads the blog are privy to my innermost thoughts or unspoken secrets, and there is a level of trust that I assume on people when they read what I have to say.

This honesty has recently proven to be the detriment in my real life relationships as well. I have lost friends due to my inability to keep my mouth shut when I have an issue. I've grown up with the mantra that children keep issues inside and bottle them up, and this causes problems further down the line when adults do it. This honesty and eagerness to settle any issue I might have has led to friction between me and people I care about, but it is still something I believe to be a decent way to settle any dispute or worry and continue to stand by my principles. If there is one thing I have come to hate since starting university, it's two-faced characteristics. Sometimes it's harmless, and there are times when I will indulge if I feel it would make the situation better, but I would never be so dishonest to someone whom I have a problem with. If I do not like you, and have a valid reason not to like you, then I will be civil when I have to but otherwise I will not mince my words. I won't smile and nod, and pretend everything is fine, I am not that kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I can, when it comes to being false I am a very good liar, but there is a difference between having the ability to act like everything is fine, and using it.

I am of course speaking of friendships, or of people I need to work with often. Passers by I am able to smile and nod to as you do, but this is not dishonest, it's just tactical socialising (remember, an argument with an idiot is a pointless argument, sometimes it is smarter to plaster on a false smile)...

I apologise, I rambled for a moment there. The point is, I am honest and open, and being honest and open means that I might say things that could offend others, so instead of publishing every post I make, I choose which to publish on Facebook for a specific reason. Getting hits isn't important to me, I don't care how many people read the blog or what they like in particular, the blog is for me, not my audience. I am a performer, if I want an audience, I get one: simple.

Maybe I am more aware of how vulnerable the blog makes me than I care to mention. Maybe I should eat my words, put my money where my mouth is and publish. Surely my friends, if they truly are my friends, will understand me anyway. Or maybe I am wrong, maybe I'm not as honest as I think I am.

There are people in my life right now who do not appreciate what they have, and how lucky they are. Some I have mentioned this fact, others I haven't. Instead of telling people to look at their life from a few metres away, I should be asking them to do it themselves. So you have found yourself here, at the end of this blog entry after getting here from the very beginning (a very good place to start) after getting there from wherever you found yourself previously. I will ask you this.

Take a look at your life, I promise you things could be much worse. Appreciate what you have, don't be so hard on yourself.

And be honest.

Ok, I'll give you a teaser!

2011-06-07T23:13:00.000+01:00

Coming soon...

Some GIFS I have amassed.

2011-06-07T11:49:00.000+01:00

Ok so, I'm not sure how many of you are aware of Nerd Corner, a photo dump for all the random pictures I find which are funny, and attempt to share with others in an effort to make myself appear witty. Amongst the pictures are a number of GIFS which unfortunately do not run on facebook as they would normally on other websites, so here is a selection of some of my prize GIFS for you.

You might want to give these some time to load, I haven't included the entirety of my collection, it would be too much for your machine...

Look who's on theBERRY...

2011-06-04T11:07:00.000+01:00

I submit a montage of myself for the ladies and berry boys over at theBERRY (the sister site of theCHIVE) about two weeks ago for a bit of fun (I figured I was doing BUBS anyway, so might as well.)

theBERRY posts pictures of good looking, fit guys which, to be honest left me thinking I wouldn't make the cut, but there I am on "HOT men of theBERRY". Gotta say even though I'm a little embarrassed that the whole world is looking at my body, I'm a little more than elated!

Go check me out, I'm picture number 22.

Quick post to say

2011-06-04T10:40:00.000+01:00

I am making some comics, but here's the deal: the comics I am working on at the moment probably will not be released as they are finished. I am working on a little project which will hopefully see the blog tied with a new comic website I have produced. Either that or I will be publishing them in a newspaper at some point (possibly the student newspaper considering I doubt I'd get paid for them.)

So while it may look like a bunch of empty promises, I assure you I have been had at work getting things ready for a launch hopefully by the end of the summer. Stay tuned!

BUBS: 1st June.

2011-06-01T17:54:00.000+01:00

Quick update to BUBS on the fly as I have to out to dunner in twenty minutes! I was about to get changed to go out when it hit me that I hadn't updated in a while (and having gone to the gym this afternoon, I figured now was the perfect time!)

I admit that its hard to notice a change due to the difference in camera angles each time, but the change is so gradual that I don't think it matter much anyway really.

I think I definitely need more protein in my diet, I am doing a muscle workout at least once a week (I have hardly had time for anything beyond that which will hopefully change come summer) and I certainly feel a little stronger, but the wait is killing me!

And here I thought I was a patient person, oh well. Next time!

Wait for it...

2011-05-22T18:01:00.002+01:00

My graphics tablet arrived. Looks like my plans for the summer are sorted!

Comics incoming

2011-05-18T17:35:00.000+01:00

Getting ready to cartoon again.

I ordered a new graphics tablet from Amazon last week and am just waiting for that sucker to appear though the post. I am at university at the moment have been working on a new website to host it in my down time. I am working with a quirky design, but it will be centred around the comic and therefore gives me more incentive to keep up with it at least on a regular basis.

I have also been looking into having it placed into the student newspaper. It would be such a boost to my confidance as an artist and cartoonist to have my comic published, even if the paper is free and tends to come out whenever it feels like it rather than on a regular basis.

I am working on a new format for the comic. I will continue to do the full page ones which I am used to doing, but will also be producing short strips about a 1/5th of the height of an Af page (like the ones which normally appear in a newspaper.) Much like some of my favourite online web comics such as Ben, Faux Pas and the like. Full pagers like Awkward Zombie, Manly Guys Doing Manly Things and VG Cats still have a warm place in my heart, but I like what Tim over at Ctrl+Alt+Del has done; producing a regular full sheet comic and seperate 'sillies' in news print format. Of course, this is a very casual hobby (though not as casual as it was in the past) and so it won't be updated as much as the professionals do so.

Gonna pull out some tasters soon, I have only a few weeks of uni left to suffer through and then its a long summer with a few projects to work on.

BUBS: 13th May.

2011-05-14T00:52:00.000+01:00

Quick update on my progress with Build Upper Body Strength...

The going is slow, I've managed to get to the gym once a week since my original post of BUBS as I've been so busy with other things. I did a lot of cardio on Monday and Tuesday; walking to and from the Lowry when I was working on The As Yet Impossible, not to mention spending all day on my feet when there. However, I have eaten fast food a few times this week which is unfortunate but I assure you, much needed/deserved.

Speaking of diet, I've managed to inject a bit more protein into mine. I'm trying to eat at least one or two eggs a day, usually scrambled as its the easiest way to condense two eggs into one meal. Typically if it isn't a scrambled egg sandwich, fish finger sandwich or either of the two with cheese, its Eggy Bread & cheese with Fish Fingers and Baked Beans. Other meals such as breakfast is usually cereal and a coffee, lunch when I am in halls (which I think I have been this week) has been Tuscan Bean or Tomato soup.

I'm a little let down with the fast food, I think if I hadn't have had McDonalds three times this week I probably would have done better sooner, but like I mentioned in my last post I am under no delusion that this is a short term project.

I'll probably leave it another two weeks or so before posting the next post on BUBS, as I have quite a few essays and assessments to worry about, but I shall continue to eat right and might strive to get to the gym at least twice in one week!

Please note, the pictures are taken on my phone as you can see; the angles and lighting will change as well as... well, I've just got out of the shower and am ready for bed, of course I am in my pjamas. Love it or leave it people!

A follow up

2011-05-13T19:43:00.000+01:00

This is a follow up post, or rather a continuation of my earlier micro-essay on Cheerleading (Cheerleading, the case for.) It is a videeo covering the issues regarding the classification of high school Cheerleading in the USA (split in two parts.)

Please take the time to watch them even if Cheerleading isn't something you are interested in, it will change your opinion of us!

A comic I found

2011-05-11T01:53:00.002+01:00

Thought I would post this for the sake of those who do not know whether to follow their dreams.

The As Yet Impossible Symposium

2011-05-09T22:57:00.000+01:00

For today and tomorrow I have been and will be a volunteer facilitator for a symposium at the Lowry entitled The As Yet Impossible (TAYI)

TAYI is a two day event which is focusing on the future. The participants are a number of experts in their field which range from performance practitioners, artists, designers, animators, producers, scientists, physicists and so on. The overarching concept is to think of what we, as yet, cannot achieve by means which are available to us through technology.

Today's main focus seems to be how we can change what and how much we experience through our senses. What the future of our senses might be, what augments can we make to them. How our senses are effected when one is lost or disabled, how our senses can be tricked or employed in a different way. The exploration of these topics was done using none-typical means for what you might expect a symposium to use. A series of workshops ran throughout the day which delved into the subject of sense, art, technology, nature, the future, the present, society etc and there is more to come tomorrow.

My role today was to blog about what was going on, to (try and) consolidate the information being fed back to the central hub (where I was stationed) for publication online.

It was very difficult, I could tell from the information I was receiving that the session facilitators were witnessing an almost stream of conciousness as the academics discussed such complex topics. It was exciting to be there at a time when these ideas were in their infancy, and being discussed by the bright thinkers of their respective disciplines. Having the mix of scientists, creators, performers and so on in attendance meant we could discover new ideas in such succession, it made it hard to clearly get the information into print.

Tomorrow will be more focused on the future, on where we can go without technology and how we want, or whether we want it to augment or diminish how we interact with our us and our environment.

Follow the event on its blow, www.theasyetimpossible.wordpress.com where you can find the information from today and subsequent publication of information for the remainder of the event. You can also view live tweets from the event on its blog page, or on the page of the events tweeter, Hannah Nicklin.

Game Review: Portal & Portal 2

2011-05-06T12:07:00.001+01:00

Ok I am going to admit something here. As a huge fan of the Portal series since Portal originally hit the shelves back in October 2007 I might have fired up Portal 2 with an already enthusiastic and rose-tinted view. What I found only confirmed my expectations.

Portal 2 is a first person shooter (FPS) puzzle game which carries on from its predecessor Portal. Based on the concept of the manipulation or reality through portals which preserve linear momentum. If that sounds complicated, watch this:

That is the teaser trailer for Portal, as you can imagine the game play is innovative and refreshing from other FPS's which I am not so much a fan of.

The story of Portal 2 revolves around your character from the original game; Chell. After being subject to numerous rounds of testing in the Aperture Science Computerated Enrichment Enviroment, and almost being murdered several times by the psychotic testing mainframe AI known as GLaDOS, Chell eventually finds her way out of the laboratories and to the surface which is where Portal leaves us. Portal 2 Is the continuation of that story, where you find out after losing conciousness from the final fight with GLaDOS in the previous game, you are returned to the Aperture facilities to recuperate (This was later ret-conned in a patch, the ending was added with an ambiguous robotic voice approaching Chell from behind and dragging her back into the Aperture underground-complex before she lost conciousness.)

You are woken from suspended animation by a personality core called Wheatley and emerge from your chamber into the now-destroyed and decaying Aperture facility. Wheatley helps you stumble through the labs in order to escape, but in doing so you inadvertently reactivate GLaDOS, the passive-aggressive and completely insane facility control AI, who appears somewhat bitter about the fact that you killed her...

Without giving away any of the story, what follows is a slightly jilted round of further testing ala: Portal with a which quickly changes in a surprise twist! In Portal 2 the game goes deeper into the story of Aperture Science Laboratories, it's history and it's founder Cave Johnson.

The best feature for me is in the middle of the game where you learn about GLaDOS and where she comes from, and the secrets to why she is so bent on testing. GLaDOS received numerous awards from gaming magazines and websites such as 'Best Character' and 'Best New Character' from GameSpy and X-Play respectively, and Game Informer named her one of the 'Characters who defined a decade' in terms of storytelling. Most are citing her humour which is a form of passive-aggressive speak which actively changes in tone and intensity throughout the series (in both games.)

One of GLaDOS' unique qualities is her voice, which is synthesised from the voice acting of one Ellen McLain (who also has the Half Life series and Team Fortress 2 under her belt) through an auto-tune to give it that robotic and maniacle tone (here is a sample, from wikipedia). GLaDOS is by far the best reason to play Portal 2 besides the game play.

Another quality to Portal and Portal 2 is the complete mind-fuck of gameplay. We have seen this sport of manipulation of the game world in games such as Prey, but never has it been used in such a way as to encourage problem solving on the scale Portal has set. One comment made by GameSpy when awarding GLaDOS 'Best Character' was that the game could have got by without a story, which while in itself is pretty definitive of a lot puzzle games in the industry, Portal sets itself apart from the others such as Myst or the Professor Layton series as being almost exclusively character driven while not taking emphasis away from the mind-bending puzzles of physics and lateral thinking. Not to mention how much of an impact Portal made on internet culture creating such memes as "The cake is a lie" and the emergence of the Companion Cube.

Something which I am yet to experience but I highly anticipate as being another redeeming quality of the game is the incorporation of co-operative mulitplayer. You take one the duties of one of two co-operative testing initiative bots...

Atlas and P-Body are the two robots featured in the video above, which is something I cannot wait to try!

For anyone who is interested in puzzle games, FPS games or simple fancies a good bit of storytelling, seek out Portal 2 but I urge you not to do so until you have played Portal. A criticism which I am quick to offer of both games is that they are too short. I completed both Portal and Portal 2 in the evening of buying them, but their replay value is acceptable for fans of the game, but it may be worth waiting until there is an offer on to purchase both games, and certainly purchase them online through supplies such as gameplay.co.uk or play.com. On the PC, both games are available for purchase and repeated download through Steam which is a service available to PC which binds many PC games to a single account where you can purchase said games and download them over and over again which is handy if you are apt to losing your original disks.

It is my hope that the series continues in some form, though Chell's story recieved a definitive ending in Portal 2 I am certain Valve can come up with a way to continue the franchise which is so highly regarded in the gaming community.

Time to get it sorted: Build Upper Body Strength

2011-05-04T17:24:00.001+01:00

Last year I was tickled pink. I wouldn't admit it then as I was trying to be casual and aloof about it, but I really was pleased about the state of my body. I spoke about it a few times last year. My weight has levelled off now, as I mentioned a month or so ago, and I am feeling a little dissatisfied again.

In my last post, I mentioned that I needed to build upper-body strength. While I may currently reside in a slimmer frame, it is not one which is capable of meeting all of my needs. I feel healthier, I can wear more layers which is a look I like going for once in a while, and I can generally go for longer in endeavours such as sport or physical theatre. I can also hold my breath for longer, like the sunshine a little more, get less heartburn than I used too, less back pain. Honestly the benefits of being my ideal weight outweigh the things I miss, such as playing with my belly when I got bored (which I sometimes still try to do) or having to wear less layers in the winter months and so on. My body is functional in that respect, but I need to work hard to make it more-so.

That is where my new Build Upper Body Strength plan comes in. Every week, or every fortnight depending on time restrictions I plan on updating the blog with my progress on building upper body strength which I will need for my Cheerleading, Gymnastics and to enhance my body confidence. I wasn't going to mention it, even though I have lost the puppy fat I am still not 100% about how my body looks. This is me doing something about that!..

The above is me, as of today. That is, as of about half an hour ago from writing this post. As you can see from the above images, my frame has taken a beating. You can see the stretch marks around my tummy and you might see them around my arms. I don't mind the stretch marks so much, but I find them a good reminder to myself not to over-indulge. Another thing you may notice is the love handles. Alas, these are the hardest things for men and women to get rid of when trying to improve their image through diet and excercise. A few people I know are quite to state when they though I looked ill when I'd finished losing weight. As ill as I ever looked, I'd never lost those bad boys.

My goals for Build Upper Body Strength are:

Increase the muscle mass on my chest, shoulders, back and arms.
As you might see, there is the tiniest hint of definition in these muscles already. This is due to the lifting and pushing I do already in Cheer and gymnastic tumbling. If I am to be able to support my own body weight on my arms, and complete a chain of back-handsprings, I will need these muscles to be as lean as possible, at least lean enough to match my legs.
Get rid of my love handles
These fuckers are gone. Seriously, their days are numbered. I don't know how to do it, I mean it's fat and fat is all the same, but I can't shift that shit for some reason. They will go though, mark my words!
Get an arse.
Ok, so maybe this one is for vanity's sake. One of the areas I am uncomfortable with at the moment is the bottom of my bottom, the back of my front, the vertical smile. My skin stretched everywhere I used to carry weight. You can see this on my tummy, on my upper arms, and to an extent on my chest. You can't see it on my bum, but trust me when I tell you it's there, and it isn't pretty. I am aiming for as much of a straight line as my hips will allow from the end of my ribcage to the start of my thighs. Somewhere in there I'd like to have a nice arse, so lets see what happens!

Let's keep it at that for now. Sometime soon, after I git the gym, rearrange my diet and work out some of the specifics of my new project, you will see pictures of my progress. I'm not foolish enough to believe that this will happen in a matter of weeks. My goal is pride, that is, the bank holiday weekend of August (just after my birthday.)

I have a holiday to Czech Republic in the first half of August which I am sure you will hear about. It's a sports/cheer holiday so it's not as if I won't be getting exercise then, but hopefully at that point I'll have accomplished most of my goals.

Wish me luck!

Things that I have been working on during my break from Uni

2011-05-03T18:15:00.001+01:00

I'm not one to be idle.

I figured this out during my first year of study at Salford Uni, it's something which started right after finishing my access course at Bolton Uni. Don't get me wrong, there will come times when I really, desperately need a break (as happened recently) but otherwise I find that I get impatient or fidgety if I have nothing to occupy my time with. Since leaving my access course and studying at university I have become something of a workaholic, I'll try and take you through it...

I consider university to be my full-time job. I focus on my studies actively and they take up a large amount of my time. Other things which I prioritise are my cheerleading, gymnastics and gym work/fitness. These activities take about 90% of my total time spent at Salford, the rest is shopping, social time and 'misc'. I do this to ensure I am getting the most out of my time spent on my degree in Salford, and let me tell you, it works. This year I have passed every module on my course with a Distinction. I hit a rough patch in February which may take the mark of one of my modules down to a merit, but I still hold high hopes that I will finish the year with nothing below a first. My lifestyle plays an important part in this of course. I do not drink or smoke, I do not take drugs. I don't enjoy clubbing, or nights out, or concerts (well, I've never been to a concert, but I'd imagine I'll be sat at the back asking everyone in front of me to kindly sit down so that I can see.) Maybe I'm lucky in this respect, I have my own ways of having fun, I dare say the way I choose to occupy my time currently is satisfying enough and I have a wonderful circle of friends.

However, about a week after starting my short break, I began to feel the itch. I need something to do, I cannot be idle, I start going a bit cabin-feverish. Luckily, I have quite a few interests I can pull out of the bag for such occasions.

I started playing with Photoshop again, reading up on the latest trends, styles and tutorials which I must say are as good as any book or magazine on the subject (I recently bough a magazine on the subject, and found startlingly similar tutorials in it as exist on the web.)

I may consider writing my own beginners tutorials, explaining some of the more simple tricks which I do not see explained very often such as feathering and layer masks which can me indispensable for graphic design and photo-manipulation.

This also led in time to my return to web-design. As mentioned in my previous post, I have spent a lot of time in the past week tweaking and poking and jiggling and playing with CSS and Wordpress (WP) themes. Given the popularity of WP as a blogging tool I have been keen to explore its functionality to the private blogger for some time. My good frient Antony's blog, along with many other sites I frequent such as theCHIVE use the WP engine which seemed to be highly customisable as well as functional and easily accessible. I could never use CSS and never turly unerstood how useful it is until I started reading around the subject area just before my holidays started. I set myself a task: to create a custom theme of my own design for syeonline by the end of the holiday, and as the previous post displays, I managed to do just that. I will continue to make themes as I can already see how I could improve the current one, or how I can make designs based on a different concept (I want to make one based on a painty, arts-and-crafty style motif next) and I didn't know there existed such things as child-themes and so on. I'll probably end up working on it over the summer.

Gaming wise its been pretty cool. Not only has there been some interesting patches made to World of Warcraft in recent months which I have been exploring, there has also been the release of Portal 2 which I completed in the first day, and is well worth what I payed for over on gameplay.co.uk. If you played Portal, or are maybe a fan of puzzle games, FPS's or just looking for a really good game to sink your teeth into, get Portal 2 (though I will advise you if you have not already played Portal, play that first!) Both can be bought and downloaded through Steam. I also managed to try Final Fantasy XIV and unfortunately it did not live up to my expectations. I tried it for the first two or three days, and was not at all enthusiastic about playing it. I may try it again soon as I have heard there has been another patch released, but I will not be paying for a subscription for it in its current form. I have to say, considering how much I loved FFXI, I am very disappointed in Square-Enix.

Finally, my other guilty pleasure this holiday has been my gymnastics. I have been working every day, or every other day, on nailing some of the tumbles which have eluded me for some time. I am now a lot more confident at my back walkovers now and even attempting front walkovers. Also I am a lot less disoriented when chaining tumbles together (for example, Roll > Handstand Roll > Cartwheel and so on.) and am able to hold myself for much longer in a handstand.

The problem with most of my gymnastics isn't my flexibility. Although I do need to be more flexible to accomplish some of the tumbles I am attempting, I am actually more flexible than the average guy. One of the issues I have is the distribution of weight over my whole body. My main exercise is waking. I walk everywhere and as such, I have very strong legs. Both my thighs and calves carry a lot of weight, so much that the muscle on my upper body isn't strong enough to support it. Therefore I require more balance to hold a handstand, and more power to kick my legs over in a back walkover. The only way I can change this is by gaining more upper body strength, which of course will happen in time with regular gym and cheer workouts. For me, it isn't happening fast enough, this may be due to my vegetarian diet (being naturally low in high quality proteins.) I've been considering protein shakes, but I do not yet know how I feel about supplements. More on that story as it develops...

I have been working on my flexibility as well mind. It's painful work, but if it gets me my tumbles easier, I am willing to do it...

New blog en-route

2011-05-01T16:01:00.000+01:00

I've been hard at work creating a new design for the blog. I plan on making the jump to wordpress soon, and have spent the past two weeks figuring out how the themes work, I'm pretty proud with what I've managed to come up with...

It still needs a little bit of tweaking but it's gonna be sweet! Don't worry, nothing should change with the blog when I make the jump, except it will be more functional, accessible and easier to update (I hope.) Look forward to www.syeonline.co.uk in the not-too-distant future!

You know what I miss?

2011-03-25T10:39:00.000Z

I miss making comics!

I loved making them, it was a combination of my drawing, graphic design and comedy writing which occupied the time when I would normally be bored anyway. I haven't made a comic in well over a year, probably two by now. My Graphics Tablet got damaged in transit while I moved to university last year which was a good excuse (besides 'I'm just too busy') to let these things fall by the way side.

Well, perhaps I am being a little cynical of myself. I have also had the chance to try other wonderful things! I am a cheerleading coach now for the Salford Sirens, getting up to level two gymnastics, I gave stand-up a go, I perform improvisational comedy and not to mention a wonderful circle of friends.

Days like this when I have about three or four hours to kill before my class, and no-one around to hang out with, is when I would work on a comic. I think I will be generous to myself at my next loan instalment and get a new graphics tablet (to go with my lovely new PC.)

Then you'll see some comics.

On Friendship.

2011-03-21T01:08:00.000Z

I've been thinking an awful lot about friendship lately. I have recently been through a "bad patch" in regards to my social life because of things that have been going on amongst my year group at University.

I will not go into the details here as this is not the place. I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I have purposefully made this blog my diary, and as it is online I understand that the public are free to view it. Frankly, there are some people whom I do not want to speak openly to...

Sorry, just thinking about all thats gone on makes me bitter about the subject; one of the reasons I will avoid talking about it. Needless to say, it got to me, the reason it got to me is because of my idea of friendship.

To me, friendship is one of the most valuable things in the world. I rely so much on my friends as I am sure most people do (though equally sure others do not do so as much as I.) I will openly admit to any of my friends: I need you more than you need me. I do not have, nor have never had someone in my life whom I have been involved with intimately. This is by design and intention of course, I made the decision to wait for love and so far, love has not arrived. The wait, however, is a heavy toll to bear. I feel alone and isolated a lot, particularly when I am at University as I am not only without someone I love intimately but also without the people I love platonicly: my family. All of this adds up I suppose, and so when I am away from home I am constantly relying on my friends for companionship. Hardly even companionship sometimes, just human contact. I am somewhat socially awkward, this has come about in recent years and I have no idea where it comes from (or at least HAD no idea, until recently) so not only is it difficult being away and without people I love, it is also difficult to make new friends to fill the empty spots.

I understand that this is a strain on my friends, but my friends are my friends because they are the ones willing to take that strain. My friends are there for me when I need them, they care about my wellbeing and will do the best by me. I trust my friends, and can only hope that that trust is repaid in kind.

However, I am also crazy as fuck.

Not the sort of "Oh damn boy, you so crazy!" but the actual crazy. Scary, paranoid, anxious, embarrassing crazy the likes of which you do not see in non-crazy folk. Again, most of this is something which has developed or manifest with strength in recent years, it is there and I am afraid its part of the Sye package.

I might get it into my head that your attracted to me, and will therefor avoid contact with you as to not hurt your feeling of rejection (this could be due to a fleeting glance made at some point.) It might enter my brain that your talking about me behind my back, conspiring against me or undermining me (because you know, I haven't seen you in a week, a totally natural assumption.) It could be that something bad happened to me, and your the first person I was able to talk to about it and therefore think I am the wreck of the world. It could be that your in town with me, and I get the most horribly paranoid feeling that everyone is staring at me, and I need to enter this shop RIGHT NOW, then I'll be fine. It might be that you didn't reply to my last three texts, and have ceased all contact with you as punishment (because thats perfectly normal, right?)

This is the Bat-shit level of crazy I can get up to. I am not perfect, but then, neither are you damnit! Situations can bring about my ugly heads which I myself despise. It's something I am constantly vigilant against and conscious of, but ultimately I just can't help it. I'm of a paranoid, nervous, temperamental disposition.

My friends, they understand that.

They understand me.

They understand why sometimes I am quiet, and sometimes I don't shut up. That I will talk inanely about some interesting piece of trivia without thinking that I am patronising them. That they trust that 'ish' next to a time of meeting means 'give or take five minutes.' That sometimes I have trouble speaking my emotions and getting my ideas out (I get lost in words, its what happens when you know too many without knowing their correct order.) They understand why sometimes I correct my own grammar, and cannot move on until I understand which is the correct way to say what, but only sometimes! My friends, true friends, do not hold these things against me.

In turn, I do the same. I make myself available to them. Alright, so maybe I am not good company on a night 'clubbing' and maybe you can't take me to a football match. But if you need someone to talk to, an understanding ear or an unbiased view point. A lateral thinker, a fresh pair of eyes or a comfortable shoulder, that is what I am here for. That is friendship, and those whom I consider friends can call upon that any time they like.

I have the ability to make anyone feel good about themselves. I can show you any fucking silver lining, and make sure I leave you a brighter person than I found you. I will give you your space when you need space. I will surround you with companionship and make you laugh to boot. That is my offer, my gift, the commodity of friendship I have to trade with you.

I never burn my bridges.

I'll be posting soon on my Red Nose Day 2011 adventures. I just needed to get this matter off my chest first. I have put it to bed now, I can move on.

Good night.

The whole year through: 2010

2011-01-02T00:46:00.001Z

Happy new year everyone.

Every year I like to make one post which tries to bring everything together and evaluate the year. This was the year of 2010. I think the biggest thing to mention this year is that I bit the bullet and did something I as meaning to do and looking forward to trying since deciding to enter the field of performance.

Stand up.

After a bit of a shaky start I found that there is nothing that I have experienced (so far) which quite equates to the joy of making someone laugh, and having the opportunity to do that on stage in front of a willing audience is the highlight of my year. I had a wonderful time on the comedy circuit as an Open Spot, and learned things that have pushed me much further as a performer than I would have from Uni alone.

Alas, as much as I love performing stand-up and making people laugh, the downsides of the comedy circuit tar the otherwise wonderful experience. Bitchy comics, horrible promoters, the input/output ratio, the time and energy put behind the scenes. Most open spots will call me lazy and say my heart isn't in it but you know what? Its not. My heart isn't in it, and I will admit that. If my heart WAS in it, then I would already have gigs lined up every week by now. I performed stand-up from January to May and in that time totted up 15 gigs, I watched forums like a hawk, snapped opportunities from promoters and attended as much comedy as I could afford outside of my studies and I think three gigs a month average is a cracking first try considering the demand for spots. You may have noticed that sounds cocky and self confident, well;it is. I learned something important on the circuit which is great advice to give and hard to follow: Confidence is key. Yeah, I'm still shit by professional standards or paid standards and my problem when I was an Open Spot is taking that too harshly. I'm SUPPOSED to be shit, everyone is when they start out. Fact of the matter is, my shit to good gig ratio was leaning very close to good, if I wasn't such a delicate flower/arsehole I would be able to see that my problem isn't what others think of me, its what I allow them to make me feel. Until I learn that I can be shit in front of a crowd and survive to tell the tale, as I have done, I do not belong on the circuit and that includes giving stand-up my all.

Having said that, I plan on returning, and doing bits and bobs here and there. There is nothing better for learning stage craft than stand-up comedy, mark my words!

Well, thats pretty much half the year right there. After May I started my long-haul through summer. I planned on learning how to drive but unfortunately that never came to pass. Even though I had nothing to do, I found myself far too busy to sort out driving lessons. Again, I think its the idea that my heart wasn't truly in it and I therefore didn't put as much effort into it. I can only hope from here on in I take heed that my heart needs to be in more of the things that I need to get done! I have found I am very good at putting things off, and this is something I hope to tackle in the new year.

When Uni started back up, I was inspired! As you may be aware, at the beginning of each semester I have a large project to complete and in September of last year my work group and I began work on "Fear" which you can read all about at your leisure. That project taught me a valuable lesson: I love being busy and hate being bored. Also I learned that busyness in most forms reaps its own rewards whether that be making new comics, reading interesting books, watching television or going out with friends. Busy is good, busy is fun and adventurous, busy makes life go forward.

Speaking of which, my social life has been a boom this year. Friends of mine on facebook can attest to seeing me appear in more places on more profiles with friends on evenings out and at events. I think this is particularly true of those on my course. You don't go through what we go through together without forming an understanding relationship. I am so grateful to know these people. While studying at Bolton University, my very wise friend and excellent lecturer Albert Phipps told me that in university I would make friends that will be with me for the rest of my life, and I truly believe this. Even the idiots make life more interesting, my life has been enriched so much from being in that environment that I am now considering a move to Manchester full time (this is something I will need to do a lot of thinking on though.)

I gained another nephew this year of course, Alex who is just smashing. He is quite quirky and makes strange noises, mostly grunts. Aaron is a clever little shit, picks things up faster than his father and is a wonderfully cheeky chappy, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Jayden, well, he is developing into quite a sweet young man, he still isn't using English yet but he is certainly developing his own interesting language at a rate I am struggling to keep up with/

Lets finish on a hot topic of mine the past few years: health. I think my last report online was that I weighed in at 12 stone. I am roughly 12 stone at the moment, but I must say that I am on average over the past few months 11 to 11.5 stone, having gained half a stone since the Christmas holidays started.

I am looking better for it I think, particularly since I've been going to the gym this year and have managed to bulk up my arms and chest, as well as my stomach. The loose skin is and I fear will always be present on my body but its something I am going to learn to live with, I don't particularly want a large amount of muscle but as I am slowly turning into a 'good looking man' I need to consider the possibility that this is a role I may be asked to play. This in turn may lead me to need a 'good looking body' which fashion dictates is not one covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Don't think for one second that is the reason I am toning up, the main reason is that I want more strength to be able to perform very well in physical theatre and dance, I also want to feel better about the way I look. If I get a part as a handsome man who gets his kit off, well, I'll be ready for it. In other news, while we are on the subject of my image, I got my hair cropped to mid length. Reviews are favourable but naturally I want my old hair back as soon as possible which is usually the case.

That it I think. I haven't covered the whole year, but then this is the first time I think in the history of these posts were the review has been almost immediately after the end of the old year. I will soon be posting a reflection on last years resolutions, and beginning this years so stay tuned!

A thought on females.

2010-12-29T18:24:00.000Z

Recently I have been thinking about friendships, I won't go into detail about what brought it up but I have been home for the festive holidays for a few weeks now and had time to take stock of my friends here and my friends over in Salford. Of all my friendships in the past, my most precious friends are still here in Wigan. This isn't to say that I haven't made some amazing friends in Salford, but you don't build relationships in two years like the ones I have with my friends over my lifetime.

However, I believe there are different catagories of friends, and that they can be catagorised in different ways. For exmaple one way in which I recognise where I am upto on the frienship train is how far I am willing to go with that friend. That doesn't mean anything sexual in this context (I have recently found, that side of things is an entirely different kettle of fish) but in a way that actually extends outside of my comfort zone. For example, I know I am safe with my friends here in Wigan, but sometimes I don't want to be safe, I want adventure. If I am feeling adventurous, I will call on some of the fantastic friends I've made at Salford. There is something to be said about common ground in relationship building. I have had some amazing experiences while at university most of which have involved hard work. You don't go through a month's worth of intesive theatre work with a group of people, without developing a friendship which goes beyond face value (or I like to think so.)

I am allowing myself to get a little side tracked because I like talking about positive things, but in my musings I have come to realise that a trend has has been forming over the past few years which makes me feel uncomfortable.

Straight women treat gay men like toys.

I generalise for emphasis which is perhaps wrong of me, but whatever, its my blog. I understand that there is a link to my blog on my Facebook and am fully aware that there is a (very, very slim) chance of some of my very dear female friends seeing this and assuming the worst, so I feel before I justify what I say I should iterate that I am not meaning to be offensive and I love my friends dearly, but I am speaking from experience and cannot be more honest than this.

I can think of ~~three~~ four distinct situations when I have been dropped for a straight man. These are situations were the girl in question would supplement me for their boyfriend and then near cut off all ties and drop the things that even distant friends would do to spend time with their new partner. Before, they would insist I was the best thing in their life. We would go out or stop in together in the evenings, hang out, sleep over, do lunch, talk (alot) and share, share everything, all our worries and insecurities, we would reassure ourselves and support each other. Make each other laugh, be the best thing since sliced bread! The friendship would develop quickly and seem like an endless summer.

Then, inevitably, the summer would end. They find someone.

Your replacement.

"This happens all the time Sye" I would hear you say, were we having a quaint brew in the kitchen of my university accommodation (try it with a dash of cinnamon, its so festive!) I agree, it does. It does happen all the time to friends everywhere regardless of age or gender or sexuality, but not to me. To me, it happens when I get close to straight women, and only then. I have never experienced any of my male friends ditching all else for their partner. I'm not talking 'going out one night less a month' or 'not meeting me for lunch,' I mean dropped, like a dead pet. In once case, the girl went so far as to fully cut off all ties with me, after I was an incredibly good friend to her (as much as a friend can be, short of giving her a kidney.)

Of course I am far too good natured, kind, and otherwise generally not wanting to hurt the person I care about to mention this. "Oh by the way, you've forgotten all about me so thanks, but have fun in your new long term relationship" isn't the nicest thing to have to deal with, and more importantly it makes any apology following to mean absolutely nill. Talking about it to the person serves no purpose except to remind them what they have lost.It hurts every time, it doesn't matter that it happens all the time because its still painful to invest so much in a friendship, to have it all snatched away simply because the girl doesn't seem capable to split her focus.

Actually, its unfortunate in that sense. I like to think of myself as a good judge of character (even when people are clearly two faced or dishonest, it doesn't take me too long to get their number... practice I guess.) If I do make friends with a girl, I am slightly more arms length if she is a straight female who is single. Well, I always think I would like to be, but I am far too friendly for this to work. Perhaps this is another angle of dishonesty.

So to the girls who have loved and lost me I say this: Be happy, please. Please be happy with your new Sye, the one who can give you sex. Please make it work if things go bad and please don't be upset if things go worse than bad.

Because I won't be there when its over.

Email from accommodation...

2010-11-23T23:51:00.000Z

________________________________________
From: Accommodation [Accommodation@salford.ac.uk]
Sent: 23 November 2010 14:49
To: [Sye] (UG); [Sye's email address]
Subject: Candles in rooms

DearMr [Sye]

On completing our recent room checking exercise, it was noted that there is a candle present within your room. Your resident contract sets out your obligations and section 7Y clearly states that candles will not be used. Because of this Health & Safety implication, your room has not been marked as Acceptable. A further room check will take place and, as long as the candles have been removed, your room will be marked as accepted.

Apart from the candle being present, your room was absolutely fine.

I hope you can support our concerns with students burning candles within their room and recognise the potentially serious health and safety implications.

Thank you

Site Services Assistants

________________________________________
________________________________________

Dear Site Services Assistant(s)

I apologise for my discretion in keeping a censer in my halls. I don't know what I was thinking, it must have been a moment of sheer madness, particularly given the dangerous nature of a covered tea light. I will of course remove the candle right away.

However, the censer's purpose is to mask the stale damp smell, I assume this is from the previous occupant as I do not think the walls are thick enough to conceal any dead bodies or rotten vegetables (I am not an engineer so feel free to correct me on this, again I apologise.) I understand completely that a candle in my halls is a high risk to all concerned, but the smell is bothersome. Almost to the point which I am willing to submerge my head almost entirely in water during my time in my room. I was considering adding some of my scented oil to the water, but this would probably make my hair greasy.

Is there a secret method unbeknownst to me to rid my halls of the smell of that 'foot-and-mouthy' musk? The censer does the trick without being overpowering and I only ever use it when I am both in my halls and awake, but as this is against the rules (again, I apologise) I will need to think of something else. Any suggestions are more than welcome, Cheers!

Kind regards,
- Sye Watts.

Dear man-across-the-road-from-me

2010-11-22T23:03:00.000Z

Please do not leave your blind up when you are returning to your room from the shower. If you insist on carrying on with this behaviour, then please refrain from removing your towel before securing some sort of visual block aid between your genitals and my eyes.

I appreciate that this was simple an instance of coincidence. I was glancing down at your block of flats, you were de-robing in the vulnerable position of having returned from the wash room, presumably squeaky clean (although I didn't have my glasses on so, who knows.) It has not happened since, but I am somewhat nervous to look out of the window now as 'peeping tom' is not one of my many alias' and I intend to keep it that way.

It isn't that I do not find you attractive. Of course you are a little larger than the demographic would demand, but I find that oddly endearing in a person. Also you have a cute face. However, while I may sound hypocritical to those who know me, I am not one for glasses. A body without a name or a face or a laugh or a personality to it is nice, but it would have to be very nice indeed to justify a vigil at my window to catch a glimpse of you giving it all you've got, 'upfront.' If we cross eyes in the street at some point, I will not embarrass you by mentioning the incident. I am sure it sticks in your mind as much as it does mine. Feel free to introduce yourself at any point, it would be nice to put a voice and a name to the body, all of it. I feel our brief interlude shall simply have to remain a fleeting glance between the two halls containing us over the void of grass and earth between.

Good luck in your endeavours, and I hope to 'see' you under better circumstances sometime.

Regards
- Sye

PS: Tell the guy that lives two doors from you to the right, he is allowed to take his top off and dance around a little. As long as his blind is up, and I have my glasses on.

Is it time to change?

2010-11-01T13:53:00.010Z

Life seems to be running much faster these days.

In the past month I have finished my theatre project (which, to be honest with you, I really can't be bothered reviewing. It was a wonderful experience and it went very well, it was a success, and I am happy to have done it.) Been out around Manchester of an evening, and been to a house party. To the average person my age this may seem normal, or at least as normal as student life should get, but I think you reading this will know that for me, this is out of character.

I think that is a very important word in this context, character. I have had a wonderful time with my course mates, and consider them good friends, but the things I have been doing seem very unlike me. I have been enjoying myself though, which can only be a good thing, so is it that it in fact IS like me to do these things but have never had the chance? Sure I would go out with friends around Wigan, we would go to the pub, then a club afterwards, and as I don't drink I'd leave somewhere around the 12pm mark, which is usually the point in which things start to get boring for me.

Is not drinking inhibiting me? I get mixed reactions from people whom hear me say 'I don't drink' the first of which is usually 'Why?' I don't know why I don't drink! Sometimes its easier to say 'Oh, I have a stomach problem' (which I do, called Helicobacter Pylori which basically causes severe heartburn at the drop of a hat, but is controlled by medication) because the sympathy vote is a much nicer reaction than that of disgust or condescension.

What alcohol does is very simple. In your head are a number of controllers, lets take for example Freud's id, ego and super ego stuff. The ID is everything you want to do, its your pleasure centre, it only wants the good stuff and none of the bad stuff and is essentially your inner caveman (if I can use such a vulgar term.) Ego is the sly devil who appeases the ID in way which satifies it, but also looks after you in the context of reality, so your Ego will seek pleasure for ID while making sure you stay out of trouble in the long run. Superego is the rules you know to be true, such as morality and law and all that gaff, so it informs the Ego and suppresses the more destructive parts of the ID, call it your conscience (again, vulgar term, don't quote me but you get the idea.) When your brain consumes alcohol, it turns off Superego and fucks Ego up, leaving you with a sort of semi-functioning understanding of the rules of reality, and an overwhelming desire for pleasure. It turns off the voice in your head which says 'This is why you shouldn't do this' and essentially flips your personality from everything you wouldn't do for whatever reason (and they would be down to your character) to doing whatever because you have no inhibitions.

You can probably imagine why I might be apprehensive about alcohol. Not only do I have a stupidly strong desire to please others, and feel painful guilt when I think I have let someone down, but there are also a lot of things I would never say or do, but which I would sure as hell like to. In this sense I am generally a dishonest person, oh sure I wouldn't lie in the sense of misleading people, but a lie of omission is still a lie. There are quite a few people I am attracted to on my course which is fine, because I am human, but being the person that I am I know I would l never do anything that might ruin a friendship, I value that much much more. Lets not forget that I am really weird when it comes to things like being touched, which I am trying my fucking hardest to get over, because it makes me feel so shit when I can't get involved with horseplay and such, all because of my fucked up head.

At the party last night, I was there from about 10pm till 2am, and I genuinely had a good time. I am still honest with my feelings, and so when people ask 'Are you having fun' I will answer honestly, and when I say 'Not really' I know its time to shake my ass home (rather than stay and bring everyone else down.) I know I am not very good meeting too many new people at once, or when I am in a situation with friends and there is a new person, I am quite shy really, and its taken me a while to put my finger on that. So the party carried on and everyone was having a good time, getting drunk, there was some weed smoking I think, and I was enjoying myself until something clicked in my head.

I think it was when I was sat down, in the room with the music, and watching some of the people there dancing. Some I knew well, some I didn't know as well but I still considered friends. I remember thinking 'I wish I had friends like these' and this internal dialogue started to play out...

'But these are my friends'

'I want to play too'

'Then why don't I'

...and that was it. I didn't have an answer. Why don't I join in? I'm sure I am invited to, as much as any of the others. What is wrong with me? I don't think I am above it, in fact if clowning has taught me anything its that being beneath it is much more fun. Is it because I am sober? I don't think so, but then I wouldn't know because I'm not drunk. Why can't I stop fucking THINKING about this shit and just do it?

Is it my character?

My character. I have constructed it, for better or worse. Sye is a conscious character, but a character none the less. We all wear masks, every one of us. We hide behind them, we are naked without them, in fact I am of the opinion that I have only ever been without some sort of mask when I was younger. When I was Simon.

This may sound Odd, but there was a change in me when I came out. I left high school as most people did, at 16. As soon as I left, I came out gay. From then on I had a confidence I could never muster in school due to bullying, and as a symbol of that transition to the new, funny, outgoing confident guy I had become, I took on the nickname, the mantra of Sye. The name isn't important mind, it was the definitive split between what I was and what I was going to be (so I thought.) Many people have the same transition, and its not just a gay thing, people have this transition in their first relationship, after losing their virginity, after their first night wasted at a party, they shrug off what it was that they were for a new, more socially acceptable and presumably confident lifestyle.

Maybe I haven't shrugged everything off. Maybe this social awkwardness and weariness of intimacy is that bullied little boy finding himself in deep water and unable to swim.

Its times like this when I thank god for the friends that I have.

I sometimes find myself lying to fit in. just little white lies which are nothing special. I've never done drugs, although I have tried smoking and, although an interesting sensation, I didn't get any benefit from it. I have never been in a romantic relationship, although I imagine there are many people with boyfriends or girlfriends who couldn't call their relationship romantic. Probably one of the reasons I feel so out of place and awkward is because all of these things happen around me, and I feel I need to justifying myself to be accepted (its easy for me to say that this isn't the case, but if I am honest, I am as susceptible to peer pressure as anyone else, and this is exactly what it is.)

I always had the belief that I love my friends far more than they love me, simply because I need them more. I was saying to someone recently, one trait within my family is that we all crave to be needed. We want people to be able to rely on us and in doing so, we justify our friendships.

Hmm, I think I have proven that I can talk on and on about this topic. I think its because I am looking for answers as much as informing you, the reader, of what it is I have already found. I will say this though; If you are my friend, and I have quite a few at the point, know that I love you. I love you, and you have me at your disposal because of that love, should you ever need me I will do my honest best to make your life easier, and make you smile. You are the best person at being who you are, and for that reason you are surrounded by those who love you, and this includes me.

You do not need to love me, you are not responsible for my happiness and I do not want you to worry about me.

Just be there. Be there and be you, that is all I ask.

† After proof reading this, I can see it has a certain 'Oh my life is shit, why am I such a dick head' tone to it. I am not looking for attention or sympathy here, please don't feel obligated to give me either. its the reason I will leave a room if I think I'm being a social hermit. My problems are my problems as with others and theirs. I write them down because it helps me understand myself sometimes.

I write them online because its cheaper than buying a diary, and its essentially an easy attempt at being more open about myself.

"Fear" workshop, final preperation day and first scripting session.

2010-10-06T13:50:00.002+01:00

Today began as it meant to go on; promisingly. I find myself willingly waking up earlier and earlier as today I got up at around 8am, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I love winter mornings, I love winter in general actually, and so getting a lung full of fresh air as I make the morning stroll to uni is a wonderful wake-up call.

We continued this morning with the hybrid video/theatre piece, refining it as we hadn't had a chance to yesterday. We spent the morning scripting and shooting it, meaning we were able to get eye lines and back-and-forth dialog going much smoother and more refined. We didn't manage to perform the video in the end due to a mix-up with the rooms, but I am certainly proud of what we managed to accomplish. There was a little bit of a tiff involving a member of the group, but in general it didn't really effect the rest of the day. I was disappointed however, because if you have been keeping up, in my last post I mentioned one of the things which I really liked about this project was the camaraderie and the coming together of a successful ensemble. This seems to have been dashed, and whereas I am rather angry at what happened and the way it played out, I am professional and am treating this as just another bump in the road. We will all continue to work together, and will simply chose to associate with those we get on with outside of the projects time (you can probably tell I am somewhat peeved at what went on, but I'll leave it there.)

After lunch was a lovely long discussion whereby we began to discuss the narrative of the piece as a performance. I was really pleased at how we were able to bring the weeks worth or research material collecting into this one large discussion and highlight exactly how much we have managed to do in just a week.

We first discussed what we had done, day by day. We spoke about what it was in those particular studies that we found interesting and wanted to experiment with, and keep in the performance in whatever way it works out to be. We then spoke about methods in which we can apply what came as a result of research

I have never taken part in the division of a performance piece and was really pleased and excited at the progress we made. It wasn't dull or time wasting as such planning meetings can be (from previous experience) and actually I think we all had an equal amount of input, or rather the ones with a lot of ideas were able to inspire the people with few ideas, meaning we were able to share in the creation process. I understand that we are still a while away from a final piece, but the layer's and layer's this piece has already received gives me such hope that the end result will be an amazing piece of theatre, and a project I will be proud to have been a part of.

I'll be honest with you. I was going to write a rant about professionalism and good nature and all the things I am trying to master at university (in regards to the tiff which happened earlier today) but as I cannot be sure that parties involved are not reading the blog, I will not indulge myself. Also, even though it really made me angry at the whole situation (as it did involve me, and it shouldn't have) at the end of the day it didn't detract from the headway we made, and actually, it was probably just a bit of attention seeking in the case of the party involved, so I am better not rising to it*.

When you are angry, the best thing to say, is nothing at all (advice I did well to follow this afternoon.)

*When writing this, I was still going over the events of the day. It is now Sunday of the week after when I have access to the internet, and the events which this post details have since been resolved to the satisfaction of the group.

Cheerleading*, the case for.

2010-10-04T23:51:00.003+01:00

Victoria Coren and Tony Parsons have recently written articles in the Guardian and Mirror respectively on what they think about Cheerleading.

Both seem to be jumping on some sort of anti-cheerleading bandwagon whom are only supported by their small fanbase, but even their arguements against cheerleading (for some reason, the fact that people enjoy cheerleading upsets them) are ludicrously personally bias and based on missguided assumptions from what they see on American TV.

Cheerleading is not a sport reserved entirely for pretty young girls. It is not something which is there purely for the entertainment of men, or the sexual gratification at the expense of the respect and dignity of the performers, because that is exactly what they are, performers. Its interesting where the definition is drawn between what is for the perverse pleasure of others and what is simply an appropriate thing to wear (they are usually pleasant to look at, eye catching, are breathable and generally allow for movement.) A cheerleader wearing a short skirt with shorts underneath and a long sleeve top is quite clearly a slut, whereas a swimmer wearing little more than a smile is an athlete...

Pictured: Acceptable sporting attire

Of course, this is only the case for women, which aforementioned journalists seem happy to comment on while ignoring the other side of the coin. I am tackling one side of the argument because of the lack of research these so called hournalists have put into the latter of their argument, that it is not a real sport. Men do real sports, right? Why can't women do real sports like football or rugby? Men are oppressing them, and so they are forced or voodoo-mind controlled into thinking that dancing for them in skimpy outfits while waving pompoms is as good as any other sport, the fools, damn those pesky men!...

Stop objectifying these cheerleaders!

The arguments of these opinionated media whores simply do not take into account that men and young men are involved in this sport, maybe not to the extent of women, but enough to merit a difference for an all girl, mixed, and all male stunting groups.

While we are on the subject of stunts, lets try and tackle this 'Its not a sport' issue. A report in 2008 discovered that cheerleading is the most dangerous sport for women (in America) and as it is the American style of cheerleading which is catching on fast. I have just found the following video of what has been going on this past year in America, and remember that cheerleading is nowhere near the scale over here as it is over there, but we are pushing to better outselves in this way and the techniques are often emulated...

Not Pictured: Sport...

...lets take a look at what is considered a sport:

Angling
Arm wrestling
Ballooning
Billiards
Bowls
Clay pigeon shooting
Curling
Darts
Folk dancing
Health and beauty exercise
Lawn tennis
Life saving
Orienteering
Pool
Skateboarding
Skipping
Snooker
Yoga [source]

He's been training all his life!

Say what you want about cheerleading, but then next time I see the national Yoga championships take away people in stretchers for breaking large amounts of themselves, I'll eat my hat. Fact is, people do not know what cheerleading is, which is fine, hell I don't know the ins and outs of professional skipping, but that doesn't mean I launch feminist tirades or ignorant diatribes against it. So the clothing is a little shorter than a kimono, that's means that it is exploiting young girls? So there is dance and chanting involved, that means it is less a sport than something involving a ball? I pity those who cannot break their preconceptions. I imagine these people don't try yoga because its just a bunch of stretching and breathing, or that they think that its only a sport if there is an international cup to be won.

Try it, then tell us its not a sport.

*I am aware that in English, Cheer Leading is a two word phrase, but I use Cheerleading for the sake of arguement.

"Fear" workshop, day five.

2010-10-04T22:22:00.005+01:00

Monday, thus beginning the second week of our performance project workshops. We are set to start devising the project on Wednesday, at the moment we are gathering resource material to work from and I am certainly pleased at the ground we have covered. I'd also like to take this opportunity to mention how pleased I am that the group has come together. We are all pretty much fully committed to the project now, which makes the idea of an ensemble actually seem not only plausible, but desirable, and achievable.

Today we started with a quick warm-up, then went straight into some character development work. We used visualisation again, this time we were told to close our eyes, and to imagine that it was the performance night; We are about to go on stage. What are we wearing? What is our hair like? Where about are we on the stage (or are we indeed off stage?) What kind of sounds could we hear? We then fed back to the group. I pictured myself concealed behind some sort of panel, centre stage. I was dressed in a pale blue hospital gown, my face was white and my features were contrasting against my pale skin. My hair was long and straight, possibly distressed looking and darker looking than usual, I could hear only silence.

We then got into groups by way of whoever we felt our characters were closer related to, so I ended up in a group with someone who pictured themselves clothed all in white, and someone in a gown which was covered in blood. We were to continue to develop our characters within these groups and possibly but then to a narrative or context. I found this exercise very difficult considering we had all pretty much gone for the mental patient, mine being one whom is totally devoid of sense, reason and reality, the other girl having been driven out of her mind by a demon, and the latter having killed her younger sister in a fit of jealousy (and therefore sanctioned.)

It was difficult because there is very little narrative you could do with people who were supposedly insane. They would have little motive and therefore little reason for conflict (which is where a story forms.) Really it was a good example of the restrictions and pitfalls to avoid when creative an interesting narrative, not to have characters that are too similar.

After before lunch, we looked into how magicians and mediums used techniques which were as much slight of hand and theatrics than any form of occult practice to instil fear into people. Largely rife in Victorian times when people were much sell sceptical and supposedly a lot more gullible, mediums would enter a persons house and use a number of tricks and illusions to convince the people in attendance that the séance was real. There are famous such people who did this quite convincingly, having 'ectoplasm' seep from orifices both reputable and perverse (certainly for the period) and people actually believed this was going on.

Then we had lunch, I had chips and gravy and even sprang for a Dr Pepper, it was good.

When we reconvened after lunch, we looked at a method of using technology to instil fear; Projection...

That piece is a little ambiguous, but really what it represents are the many possibilities! Imagine projecting someone elses face onto a neutral mask, or having a room full of living, speaking dolls. Or having one person dialog with themselves on stage through the use of multiple projections. This are certainly rolling in the ideas department, and today after looking into it, we used the characters we had developed earlier to experiment with cameras, and what we could do with the use of projection and live performance interaction. Ours was based around the story of the criminally insane girl who murdered her younger sister, with another actress and myself playing the part of her conscience, or rather playing out the inner monologue which happens during the scene. We were projected on the screen behind her, tormenting her with the thoughts she was having in her own head, we argued, yelled, laughed, all while the actress on stage reacted to our projections.

I am looking forward to using this in our final piece!

A video the Cheer Leaders and I made at "Mexican Night"...

2010-10-02T11:14:00.000+01:00

First, watch this...

...then this..

"Fear" workshop, day three and four.

2010-10-01T23:45:00.000+01:00

How sloppy of me to let me momentum slip!

Its the weekend now, or rather Friday afternoon, so its practically the weekend. I am sat comfortable at the desk in my room at home, and as such am free to evaluate the two days in which my group worked on our first performance project, "Fear."

On the Thursday I was only able to attend half of the days performance, due to clowning (more on that another time) and so missed a bit of the improv they went through to measure how fear can be generated by a few simple guidelines. What I was there for was the continuation of where we left off on the previous workshop. only this time with a little more emphasis on the controlling nature of my demon character, and increasing the clarity of the act of 'decision' that the protagonist must take between good and evil. It was interesting to pursue the exercise from the other day but I have to admit, I felt that I had done that already and learned what I could from it. Today some people mentioned wanting to do their sketches again or even in the performance itself, which made me sigh. Luckily I don't think that will be the case.

Today was all about sounds, and how we can use them to evoke the emagination of the audience. We were all tasked to bring an example of a piece of music we find to be scary, unnerving, or could in some way effect the feel of a scene to invoke fear. I chose Sally's Song from the Nightmare Before Christmas...

I don't really know why I chose that, I suppose its because there are a few discordant sounds in there, and the voice is quite shrill and eery (interestingly enough, while finding that video for you, I found a cover version by Amy Lee of Evenesence which is absolutely stunningly awesome.) After listening to the tracks that other people chose along with mine, we were able to discuss the ideas, emotions and in some cases (certainly some of mine) the narratives they conjure as we allow the music to take us on a journey.

It was certainly harder to have the images free flow in our heads (as a consensus) using the music with lyrics (such as mine) and it was generally agreed upon that soundtracks such as the Godfathers Theme (my second choice) and those from other such movies work best at generating unbiased streams of conciousness.

Finally, we gave an attempt at spoof. After looking at other examples in early cinematography at how music can give the audience the impressions and links and allow them to make certain in-obvious connotations with as little dialogue as possible (such films as 'White Zombie' and 'The Invisible Ghost.') The spoof really came about while watching the bad acting in those films, although for the way cinema worked at the time it was perfectly normal to be largely theatrical on film, these days film and theatre are two completely different worlds which is much separate from the mid nineteen hundreds theme of using theatre techniques... and filming them. We took a track from one of the generic horror soundtrack CD's Mary (our director) brought along and set out at building a scene around the music using as little dialogue as possible.

I was disappointed in mine. Actually that's probably unfair, but then I am generally more critical of myself in private than I would let on. I thought that spoof would be something I was good at, being naturally comically inclined, but it seemed the other group got it without even thinking about it. The ironic thing is that some people in the other group with the same task I would argue do not have a single funny bone in their body, and yet they got it. This is sour grapes, obvious jealousy, but then what do you expect? Whats the point in thinking one of your strengths would serve you well, and you actually end up looking a fool (in a bad way) because of it. In fact, someone actually imparted some wisdom to us which was "Its much funnier when your not trying to be funny" which is ironic considering this is a lesson it took that person a semester to learn the year previous. That was vicious I suppose, but then I am actually more annoyed at myself than I am at the other people. Jealousy brings out the most vile creature in me, in most people I think, and I think I am over thinking things again as is my folly. I know I'm funny, I know I am funny when I don't want to be, I know that funny is spontaneous most of the time and controlled in only limited contexts.

Still, today left me feeling shit. Is that what it was supposed to do? I doubt it, and I doubt I will rectify the situation before division of our performance piece starts, but we shall see.

Fuck them, I'm well funny.

"Fear" workshop, day two.

2010-09-29T23:59:00.004+01:00

Again, my apologies if this seems brief but I am on a time limit (I have a friend sat behind me as I write, as after this we are going to watch Ross Noble's new tour 'Non sensory Overload', and I am of course hella balls-to-the-wall excited.)

We began as usual with a workshop warm up, this time we focused on voice. We worked at creating harmony and discordance in equal measure, as a singular unit (that is, without letting the sound die between us, keeping it going and in many places alternating the breath.) Then we allowed ourselves to be led around the room with our eyes closed (working in pairs, alternating between the leader and the follower.) A suitable warmup, we were ready to begin.

Yesterday we were charged with finding a movie which had the basic theme of fear. Be it psychological thriller, horror, paranormal mystery, serial killers and what not. The movie I chose was Paranormal Activity, this being the most recent of that kind of movie which I have watched (not that I found it perticularly scary) and so it was easy for me to summarise it. I also liked the use of camera and its contemporary feel, almost realistic rather than naturalistic. My favourite or rather most memorable scene was one which happened during one of the evening filmings close to the end, when the lead female Katie is dragged with her foot from her bed by an unseen force...

We reviewed this and many other such films, like 'Silence of the Lambs' and 'The Orphan' discussing why the techinque worked ingenerating fear and the themes behind them. We touched on how the films differed and yet generated the same emotions, and how even the subject matter was vastly different from film to film.

After lunch we were tasked in small groups with devising our own short piece based on a loosely given plot synopsis. My group had "The last three minutes of a supernatural thriller, in which there must be a representation of a struggle between good and evil, with evil eventually winning." This was quite hard, abut I am pleased with what we did. Ours consisted of the protagonist 'Alice' having suffered the loss of her boyfriend a few months before, whom tried in vein to contact him using various occult sources of which one was the Ouija board. Through the board a demon comes and takes the form of her boyfriend which only she can see, and the boyfriend (played by myself) is the devil in her ear turning her against the altruistic best friend 'Carla'. The scene plays out and in the end the demon tricks Alice into killing her best friend. Given the amount of time we had to devise it I am pleased how it played out, and think that with more time it would only have gotten better.

I am afraid I will need to leave it here for now (and possibly indefinitely, or catchup on the next post) as it is time for a good dose of stand-up. I am so tired, I knew that the performance project will wear me out as it tends to, but with the cold on top of everything and having evening activities to attend, I have had little time to simple rest up and allow my body to work on battling this darn flu. Ah well, I shall persevere as I always do and take a little extra time to rest hard at the weekend.

Expect a review of the show at some point (Ross that is, but also this one when its finished.)

"Fear"workshop, day one.

2010-09-28T23:00:00.002+01:00

This will be brief, as I am still rather ill and feel the sooner I can get to sleep the sooner I will be rather not-ill.

Today we looked at the idea of fear, we talked about what made us scared and why. It was a lot to discuss, but already I feel like we are diving right to the root of this project, and are building a good foundation to devise a piece of work. We were sent around the Adelphi building to find an area or place within or without that we find for one reason or another; scary. The area my group and I chose was a staircase leading below the basement level in one long stretch to a fire exit (which is at the very bottom step, ending the staircase abruptly.) We chose this area because the very unusual nature of the staircase meant that they appeared steeper than they actually are, and gave one viewing them from the top a sense of vertigo. Also, the abrupt end to the stairs at the bottom and the decent into darkness (being seemingly sub-terrain) seemed ominous.

We were then asked after lunch to return to that place and devise a piece of short theatre, with the intention to scare the audience. Instantly images came into my head from zombie movies with legless zombies clawing their way up the staircase to the audience, and perhaps appearing behind them, giving them the sense of being trapped. The image of something clawing and moving slowly is what I find very disturbing, more freaky-scary than terror-scary but ominous none the less...

Of course we then did this, my group and I with a small amount of improvisation and it worked. They jumped in the right place, they laughed a little but thats fine, its expected amongst friends. We went through everyones devised pieces in their own special places but I personally think ours was the best (I may be bias, but whatever.)

We were then sat together in a circle facing away from the centre, listening to the story "The Red Room" by H.G. Wells. A very interesting and atmospheric story, which I would suggest anyone to read if they wished to delve slightly into the macabre world of "Fear" for fear itself. All in all, a good second day, and a good step in the right direction (after all, none the less!)

Performance Project: "Fear"

2010-09-27T23:46:00.000+01:00

That may be a temporary name, I am as of yet uncertain.

For those of you not in the know, at the beginning of each semester I have a performance or theatre project to complete. It takes up the first month and the timetable is pretty harsh (10am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, with a performance on Friday and Saturday evenings at the end of it.) Last year the project was Beyond the Front Line which I chronicled in detail from beginning to end for your reading pleasure and found it an entirely too convenient way to put a reflective essay together in one simple evening, and so for this project I intend to do the same. You'll have to excuse me if things seem a little off, I have a hum-dinger of a cold at the moment. I have just come from warming some lovely 'Heinz Winter Vegetable Broth' for my supper, having come from the shower before doing so (I will be stopping to take a yummy bite of my soft white bread soaked in soup while I type, how distracting!)

Today was the first day, the whole year group collected into the Studio Theatre at Adelphi to organise our groups and learn of the task we had ahead, the nature of the beast. I learned that the nature of our particular beast is fear (isn't it always?) and became giddy. I have worked with fear before, in my Art perhaps, but fear and that which is encompasses is familiar territory to me. I was told that we were to devise our own piece of theatre with fear as the theme, this will involve the 'grotesque clown' and 'black comedy' concepts, and even hinted towards a touch of the macabre or even cabaret Gothic, Rocky Horror style. We then proceeded to workshop.

For those unaware, theatre workshop can seem like the height of pointless. I'll explain and you can judge for yourself how high up on the Artsy Fartsy Acting scale it lands. The game was simple, amongst other tabloid pieces and sound scapes we created the focus was a game I shall refer to as simple 'Yes.' The concept from the off is that the group stands in a circle, a person begins by making eye contact with someone and saying their name. This person must then say "Yes" which is an acceptance than the person looking at them can take their space, then the focus is put on the person who said "Yes" and the process begins again (They look at someone, say their name, wait for a "Yes" yadda yadda.)

Excuse me a second, my soup is going cold....

That's better. So the game continues like this until the pace builds up and the flaws are ironed out. The game then changes into something seemingly more difficult. The person making eye contact no longer says the recipients name. This carries on until the rules change slightly a final time, whereby the 'yes' is replaced by a nod. You can see how complicated this would get being performed amongst a year group of about forty people, a few times my poor eyesight made me the butt of a few titters for mistaking myself as someone of attention. Of course, I can take these things in my stride, being an adult (damn them all to hell.) We got the hang of it eventually.

The game is a way of finding your 'ticks' (the things you do without knowing, which make your feel safe) such as leaning on one leg, biting your nails or staring at the floor, all of which an actor needs to be aware of if they are to cast them aside in favour of the ticks of the character they are trying to portray. I noticed that I had to fight to stop playing with my hands, which is strange considering I think that particular tick is unique to that one circumstance, I don't recall ever noticing or having anyone else notice that behaviour in me. The game is also a good way to guage how a person can behave on stage. Do they leave before saying "Yes" to the person giving them the stare? Do they panic to find another person whose name they have for no reason simply forgotten? Are they quiet in saying their victims names or answering in the affirmative? All of these tell a lot of crucial, almost subliminal information for a director. I am generally a fan of improvisation and will rather leap at the chance to leap into things head first than slowly plot my path beforehand (on stage that is) and so I found this game much easier when I wasn't plotting my course. The lesson today was definately on the importance of focus in a performance. Without it, we lose where we are, we lose character, we lose faith in ourselves and our team mates and worst of all, we tense up when we struggle to regain it, leading to a world of problems.

Almost finished my soup now...

On the administrative side of things I am somewhat disappointed. There seems to be a great imbalance between the two groups into which our year group has been split for the duration of the performance projects. This could be a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, too many cooks spoil the broth (which I recommend by the way, very satisfying and currently on offer in Tesco's) certainly when it comes to a piece devised by an 'ensemble.' On the other hand, many hands make light work, and I have no doubt that out of every group you will have your waifs and lollygaggers, your laissez-faire mentality in certain performers happy with a 'pass' which I am sure you will be pleased to know; doesn't wash with me, particularly not after last year.

Right, soup's finished. I always feel lovely and full after soup, a perfect supper as it is both filling, but not too heavy on the old tummy. I'd better get some sleep you know, not only do I have this aforementioned cold to shift which as all good small town boys like myself know can only be shifted by plenty of bed rest (and Beechams,) but today was just an introduction. For all the ills of last nights ditch attempt at a good nights sleep, tonight I will need to knuckle down and do some serious sleeping, for tomorrow; the work begins.

A story to reflect upon.

2010-09-25T15:25:00.001+01:00

Just over a week ago my mother told me that for my Grandma's birthday we had been invited to a meal. My Grandma is a sprightly seven hundred years old and doesn't look a day over seventy two. Normally due to relations between my Dad and Grandma not being all what you would hope such a relationship to be, our side of the family are not asked along to these events (at least not I nor my father and older brothers) but I think they needed space to fill and I was a bum for an witting or unwitting seat.

The restaurant was an Italian place in Blackrod. Most of the family on my mothers side remained in or around Aspull (being where my Mum and her family grew up) with only my mother moving away to Worsley Mesnes with the rest of the scum. I should say that I am not bitter about relations amongst my family, we all love each other very dearly and although we may poke fun, the jocularity is just that, and I am very glad to be invited to such events, as I was with this one. I also don't want you thinking that my mothers side of the family consider themselves of higher status or bluer blood, we went to a posh Italian restaurant on a Friday evening because there was an offer on which would my my tight fisted Grandma happy, it was her birthday after all.

We all sat down to peruse the menu and pick our starters. There were my two Aunts, two husbands and five cousins (and two boyfriends of the former,) my Uncle with his wife and their four kids, my Mother, myself and of course, my Grandma. They had two vegetarian options, one being fried cheese and the other being breaded mushrooms. Both of these did not appeal to me as I am neither a fan of cheese or garlic (which the mushrooms were smothered in.) So naturally I took a look at the fish options and found there to be Prawn Cocktail, and 'Whitebait.'

Well, you reading this may be more in the know than I, who was at a loss as to what Whitebait could be. I surmised it was fish (that University education not going to waste) but there are plenty other fish in the sea as they say and some are more fish-like than others.

So here I was, at the cross roads. Do I take the safe, reliable and generally pleasing Prawn Cocktail in Marie Rose Sauce. This of course being something I enjoy and seldom get to eat or prepare myself, or do I be adventurous, live outside the box, a rebel of the restaurant, throw caution to the wind, be devil may care, to hell in a hand basket and order this peculiar but peculiarly alluring Whitebait. Why would I even consider ordering something which I had no clue of? This isn't Sye... Then again, University is an adventure. Stand-up comedy was an adventure. Moving out was an adventure. Look where all my adventures have led me, the people I've met, the amazing things I've experienced all through taking the bull by the horns. This is what 'Whitebait' represented, it was my freedom, my vice, everything I had denied myself and both strived for and feared in equal and insurmountable measure. It was my Everest, my catwalk, my prime time début. It was stepping outside of myself and living outside of the box known as safe, from which all of my most treasured experiences birth.

"Dovrò bianchetti per favore" I said, "I'll have the Whitebait."...

...I could have died.

These poor little darling fish were looking up at me, accusatory even in death. Their little faces twisted in rictus as the look of pure terror and innocence forever shone from their now mortified, deathly staring eyes. I sat there, equipped with knife and fork in each hand with my mouth as open wide as the fish on the plate, with the same look of horror and an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know I didn't kill them, I know I was not the one to the deep fry them in a jacuzzi of vegetable fat and indignity, I know I was not the one to serve them with a wedge of lemon, some side salad and the hope of a long and happy uneventful life. I had chosen adventure, and was presented with my reward.

"This is finer living!?" I thought, "This is the upper echelon at its peak!?" Of course it isn't, they probably spend slightly more than what we did particularly in light of the offer we took advantage of. But have no fear, the delights of my family were on hand to rectify the situation. My aunts husband, my uncle I suppose, swapped his starter for mine. I was eating deep fried Camembert and loving every bite of it, albeit guiltily considering my uncle then forewent a starter and settled for picking from other people (which I was fully prepared to do, though of course when the offer of an alternative starter came up I went for it.)

There we have it, I picked adventure and lucked out. I will leave you to take from this story what you want and to draw your own conclusions but I will finish on this note; I had a wonderful night, I found that I like 'Deep fried Camembert' very much, and my Grandma enjoyed her birthday.

Did I make the wrong choice in being adventurous? That's up to you. I will be adventurous next time though, because what's life without a little of the unknown.

Back to school.

2010-09-11T00:28:00.000+01:00

That time has rolled up once again, my second year of University starts later this month, and I cannot wait! The downs not withstanding from last years first year, the ups are something I am certainly looking forward to repeating.

Lets see if I can enumerate the Ups and Downs for your clarifical delights...

Ups

Meeting some great people and making a heap of new friends
Giving stand-up comedy a go
Moving out and finding my feet (sort of)
Learning a load of neat things such as the ins and outs of camera work, media analysis and voice
Trying a load of neat things, such as video production, mask work and clowning
Getting involved with Comedy Sportz Manchester
Becoming a cheer leader
Being involved with Beyond the Front Line
Finding my bliss
Being financially 'better off'
Living in Manchester
Losing weight and becoming fitter/healthier...

There are a lot there but actually I feel the list is too short, its missing something, it is incomplete or otherwise without. I suppose its the feeling of being a student, and everything that word entails whether that be fighting the stereotype of the student or embracing the lifestyle it engenders. There were downs though, I am not trying to rose tint your picture here as there certainly were things which took the shine from an otherwise perfect experience...

Downs

Sharing a house with eleven people, most of whom horrible, horrible people
Being, or having the feeling of being overlooked, or 'passed over'
Getting passes in everything, when I am capable of so much more (and in some cases feel I did so much more)
Not trying as hard as I know I could have
Missing classes due to the lecturer being absent, and not per suing the matter for reimbursement
Not making an effort to with people who could be closer friends than they are now...

I admit, that last one is something that I think we all suffer from, I certainly don't just regret it from Uni but from most situations I find myself. We all wear masks you see, I sometimes need to lower my barriers and just simply be with people as I am, and not try to impress people or be overtly polite to avoid offending them. Or act as naive as I do, because I know that is something I do a lot. I generally do believe there is a silver lining to every cloud, and in trying my hardest to be positive I am serving my friends and colleagues to the best of my ability but I regret that in some instances people want more than that.

In retrospect, its actually the people I spoke to in earnest that I consider closer than other in my year. Its the people I let my guard down to, even slightly, and shared my frustration with. It was that communal frustration, that agreement of nuances that brought us together and actually if it weren't for the fact that I am such a dowdy spinster and have some intimacy and trust issues I would probably be sharing a house now with some of them, lounging on the couch eating ice cream in the lap of a friend while we watch a zombie film or have some chill out music on.

I think I will aim for that this year. I have already made a list of the things I want to accomplish, and while I will append this to the end of it I won't go and add it to my original list, as the thought process is as important as the decision. I have said many times to many people, I often prefer the journey to the destination.

Pride 2010, and the big 100.

2010-08-31T23:44:00.002+01:00

As the title suggests, this is my one hundredth post and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to enlighen you as to how pride went.

I told you I was going to march without a shirt on. I warned you, but you just wouldn't listen. Look what happened, you see that? Thats me at Manchester Pride 2010, shirtless. I'm not sure how I feel about the above pictures but I can honestly say I had fun on the day. The fun was in the carelessness! I just was not bothered what people thought of me. I can say that now, I would never have been able to say that a few years back, hell even this time last year I would have been bashful and quite traumatised by the idea.

I did the lifestyle expo for this years freebies, and some possible connections for OMG. I did the markets and got myself a few lovely things and some gifts for friends...

Pictured: Freebies and lovely things.

...all in all I would call it a success, sort of. Ok so maybe the hire company didn't supply our generator with a power converter, meaning we didn't have any music. Which meant that we also couldn't perform the dance routine we have been working on for over two weeks, which my mother and I practiced extra for. Actually that did take the shine off the parade, well that and other things. Its always worth telling myself that things could have been much worse all around, and so I am at least glad that we attended the event.

Last year there was a number of grievances involving the administration of the group and it almost looked like it wasn't going to happen. I made the decision to turn things around about a month before the parade with the help of Janet Henry, the youth worker for B.yoU (I say I managed, it was actually a case of me rallying the troops, but damn did I rally them!)

With the clock now counting away the days hours and seconds before my return to University for the second year, I drift aimlessly from unfinished task to unfinished task. I keep thinking of all the things I can do and sort out before I ship out again. I am organising my wardrobes, cleaning my room, sorting my files into neat little sections so that all the information I would need throughout the year is easily accessible... and of course I am getting ready to say goodbye again. Its a little easier this yea because I have already done it once and it didn't affeck me too much considering I had quite a few weeks off and extended holidays (my timetable that is, not truancy.) For some reason, Uni life is actually mostly free time, and that includes 'self directed study', you'd think I'd get more work done!

So, although I disagree with making plans and setting goals, there are a few things I'd like to try this year:

Join the dance society, and improve on my street, ballet, and general dance ability.
Keep up the cheer leading, as well as improve my flexibility and general gymnastics (which includes things like tumbles!)
Hit the gym, get rid of the love handles and replace the flab with some solid mass.
Try harder to mingle with people and get into more social circles, possibly pushing for a romantic interest, and...
Set myself up as a company, limited by guarantee, then get some work as an artist.

As I said before about the photos, the reason I think that I am not so sure about them is that in retrospect I don't at the moment think that my body is any more attractive than it used to be. Its a healthier shape, and besides the health benefits its closer to the type of man I go for (on reflection.) I suppose with the love handles and noticable rib cage, I am still a bit of an odd shape. My body is probably still adjusting to the big changes I've made in the last year or so, lets see what the coming year brings...

Roll on Uni, roll on Christmas, roll on New Years, roll on Winter and then Spring, and then sunny Summer. Roll on the heartaches and the bliss, the trials and successes.

After all that, roll on Pride 2011!

A quick note to say...

2010-08-23T23:02:00.000+01:00

Happy birthday to me... in one hour. I will be twenty three, the dreaded Twenty Three!

I just want to scream!

2010-08-23T00:06:00.000+01:00

I am so frustrated, I want to yell at the top of my voice!

I am not one to be dramatic most of the time but I am feeling such a stress of doing nothing. People often assume that a holiday whether forced or not is a good thing, perhaps not for financial reasons but certainly as respite for the mind, but this one has gone on long enough. I am chewing my laptop here, I am so restless!

I do a lot of volunteering of course, and I have everything I do online including a few projects I am considering. There is pride this weekend and my Art which is on going as always and yet in moments like this I just feel so pent up that I am ready to throw a chair. On my way upstairs I was overcome with a wave of loneliness, where the hell did that come from!? While I was brushing my teeth I had a sudden feeling of foreboding by my often reoccurring fear of death, in the reminder that it is the once certainty in life. My brain is so starved of distractions that it is actually punishing me. My brain is saying "If you don't give me something to do, some different walls to stare at, some escape from this living prison, I will force you to consider all your insecurities and fears." I have even started to think terrible things of people I care about. I'm getting to be paranoid about the two faced nature of some of my friends. I know this exists, it is one of their flaws, hell I would be lieing if I said I haven't acted more friendly to someone than I actually am (and I am a very good actor) but for some reason I am making demons where I shouldn't.

I never thought I would say this but I may just be a career type. Without University to guide and schedule my time I feel lost and restless. I feel trapped by circumstance and caged by an empty routine. At least when I went to the gym (of which my membership expired last week) I was working towards a clear goal. Now its as if my time at home is completely thankless.

Then I think, how am I going to go on after Uni?

My decision

2010-08-17T23:45:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure whether I blogged about this, and I'm not entirely certain who I have spoken to about it so I'll go through the story before telling you about the decision I have come to. I would like (if I may,) to take you on a strange journey... back a few years. I had decided half way through my psychology access to follow my bliss, which was pointing me in the direction of the stage.

The way that funding works at the moment in this country for those seeking higher education is thus; If you get accepted onto a course as an undergraduate (a person who has not already gained a degree) student finance will offer you a student loan for your tuition fees, this can be done for four years (remember that, its important.) When I started my HND at Salford Uni, it was under the pretense of a 'taster year', a year in which I can compare Media & Performance with Psychology in terns of how it keeps my interest, how it challenges me, what job prospects I can expect at the end of it and so on. After the first year I was to make a decision to either continue onto the second year, and then onto a degree which would take four years in total, or start a Psychology degree which, again would be four years.

During my first year at Uni I have to say that I was disappointed with the way the course was administered, and the do nothing attitude of the other students. It degrades my image by being associated with people who take the course as a bird course. Having said that, the lessons were interesting, I was challenged, and I find myself learning a lot and making a load of neat connections in the world of Theatre, Radio, TV etc, and am trying to, or rather was trying to weigh the subject with the school in my decision. The decision, if you haven't already guessed, was to carry on doing Performance, or go back to Psychology.

Also, after working on a number of project over the summer including B.yoU's pride entry and the new OMG website I have realised that working as an artist and graphic designer isn't as time consuming or strenuous as I first though, and it just needs a little fore planning and wisdom (wisdom I now see that I lacked a couple of years ago.) So an Art degree was looking increasingly tempting as well, which just added to the confusion.

So now for my decision...

After talking to a number of people on the issue, I have decided to gain my degree in performance. The degree is like a badge, no matter what the subject it is still something which you carry with you for life. It is a stepping stone and a backup plan all rolled into one and actually, I do like the subject. Its creative, and its what I need, its what I want. Art, as I have already demonstrated, is something you do not need a degree in to do professionally (or in my case, unprofessionally which is the way I work.) Actually, realistically, the only thing you need is passion, and to have the power to instill your passion into other. My performance helps me do this, it builds on what I believe (after being told countless times) is natural presence. That essence of a person which shouts 'I am someone you would do well to listen to' without you having to do anything. Its all in tone, posture, manner, and its actually a blessing to have.

No more crossroads for me. My decision is made and I am comfortable it is the right one. Now all I will need to do is knuckle down, as I plan to finish Uni with a first.

So, get this, right....

2010-08-02T12:00:00.002+01:00

I weigh just over twelve stone!

I know, its weird. Its like I've been here all summer surrounded by numerous foods, not to mention having money in the bank to buy numerous foods and here I am, just over twelve stone. I mentioned before that I joined a gym, well I have been hitting it a little harder than I originally planned, though to be fair I took a street dance class last Wednesday which was amazing but also left me amazingly achy, then the day after I went to the gym again. Needless to say, I haven't been all weekend I'm gonna go today.

I find it really focusing, and energising to do a good workout. Not to mention I get the chance to do some swimming which I love, and I have been doing my intensive stretches so my heal stretches are quite impressive now.

I'm not a gym bunny though. Or at least I hope I'm not... I must admit to not being entirely sure what classifies as a gym bunny these days. there are some days when I will go to the gym everyday, then others when its once every two or three days. I'm going to get rid of some of my loose skin which I think might cause me hastle if I don't sort out. I do want to look a little more toned as well, is that a gym bunny thing? Some people there are embarassingly big. The sort of people you think must consider themselves gods gift, when actually people are staring at them thinking 'What the fuck?" instead of admiration or jealousy.

Gaining upper body strength will have its advantages in my dancing and cheer leading as well. In fact the more I think about it, the more my university lifestyle compliments my healthy regime. I think its just strange bringing that lifestyle back home, which is why I am so shocked that I managed to keep my weight down over the summer. Maybe it wasn't the move to university which spurred my weight loss, maybe greater of myself has changed.

I certainly feel different.

The shivers.

2010-07-31T11:51:00.001+01:00

I want you to listen to this music, and hopefully you are listening to it for the first time. I've always been a secret lover of classical music since I first started to learn how to play the piano. I could get swept away by an orchestra, I see such wonderful colours and lights when I close my eyes, and whole lifetimes come to pass and stories unfurl when a symphony rings sweetly or hotly through my ears. If a piece of music really touches me, I get shivers up and down my body. That is how I can tell a piece of music is good, the lights, the sounds, the ideas besides, it is the shivers or pure bliss I get which start right across my shoulders, through my heart, and spread like a wave of pure, shocking joy. I am floored by them, I need a moment to recover after feeling them.

One of the first classical themes I fell in love with is called Le Danse Macabre which is a wonderful example of 1800's classical composition. It was composed by Camille Saint-Saëns after being inspired by a poem written based on an old french superstition that on halloween every year, on the stroke of midnight, the devil rises from the deep to play his fiddle, and make all the dead dance until dawn...

Oh I remember when I was a teenager and first head that music in full glory, I had it on repeat and on my CD player (that was a while ago, remember portable CD players? I'll be harking on about walkmans next.) Recently, I've been diving into 'new age classical' which are compositions made in the last fifty years or so, which are so unique! Given the new techniques used in producing music combined with the classical format of the orchestra, it is so compelling!

Usually, in these modern times when people say something is 'new age' it usually means that they have tried to improve it by doing away with all the nonsense which gave it its charm, and crowbarred modern thinking to something which didn't need 'improvement.' However, I find that new age classical is just an amalgamation of different techniques and instruments appended to the old orchestral format. What we are left with is the sort of wonderful music used in the soundtracks of movies. You remember I mentioned before about when I hear inspiring and breathtaking music, I can see wonderful images and light? Well modern classical is applied to movies in the same way, so that people can feel through sound what they are feeling through sight.

I challenge you to listen to this next piece by Thomas Newman (a new favourite of mine.) Close your eyes, sit, be, just experience it. Feel the shivers run through your body and wait for that moment where you need to breath in out of shear breathlessness. Seek this pleasure, for this is the true measure of great music.

Now try and tell me the 'Sex Pistols' were good music.

Change is hard.

2010-07-25T11:52:00.002+01:00

Ok so I don't want to bum anyone out, but this post if about death.

Yesterday I saw 2012, which for anyone who hasn't seen (which includes the me from before last night) it is basically about the end of the world. I found it, while being a good action film and way up there on my 'Disaster film's list (anyone who knows me well enough knows I love disaster films, colour me crazy) it also got me thinking about my own mortality.

You see the issue is that every so often, and it isn't so often as to be a problem but every once in a while I will have a sort-of mini panic attack about death. About the general shortness and insignificance of existence, and about all the depressing things that to continue with life, most people do not think about. I'll start to think about how everyone I know will eventually die, about the experiences I have yet to go through such as the death of my pets, of my parents, them possibly my brothers and my friends, and throw in the odd accident or cancer and you have a lifetime of heartache that I tremble just thinking about.

Of course this thought disappears very quickly. I resolved a long time ago that you cannot fight the inevitable, and the more time you spend dwelling on the subject of death, the less time you spend living. I mulled that life is measured not by how many people remember you or what you leave behind, but the experiences you have while your here, and the happiness you feel and bestow on others before leaving this mortal coil. Last night I started to panic that my life might not be worth while, that I won't be able to affect the lives of as many people I'd want to and that I might die feeling unfulfilled. I know now that that simply won't happen, I have a lot to give to people, even if it is just my family and friends. My goal in life is to love and be loved, to spread happiness and to ease the suffering of others, to live life and gain as many experiences as I can before I move on to whatever it is I am to move onto.

Last night I fell asleep, as I always do. When I woke up this morning I was looking forward to the day, I wasn't concerned about my mortality, and that, is life.

He's dead, gym!

2010-07-19T22:42:00.004+01:00

Ok ok ok, guess what I did...

Wrong!... (maybe,) I joined a gym. After losing an ass load of weight (unfortunately, not from my ass) I have decided to do the stupidly bold and moronically adventurous thing of walking the Manchester Pride parade... shirtless! Normally this action is enough to frighten the populous, but screw it, I'm proud of who I am (or whatever it is.)

Sye, put your shirt on!

I'm usually in the gym for about an hour and a half, to two hours at a time. I start by getting changed (that helps) and doing fifteen minutes on a bike. Not a regular bike mind, one you can chill out on! I tend not to chill out though, I'm quite good at being rigorous when I'm in the gym. After that I do my intensive stretches, focusing mostly on my legs (as I use them for walking and such.) Next up is either fifteen minutes on the rowing machine, or I skip that and go straight to my muscle work outs. These involve focusing on my arms and chest, as well as getting rid of the mid-rift which I have yet to give a name to. After all that, a nice relaxing fifteen minute swim, followed by roughly eight hours in the jacuzzi and sauna (thats, eight hours each or course.)

I leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. I have to say it isn't at all what I've expected. I did try attending a gym a few years ago and just felt so self conscious that I couldn't really concentrate. I mean I was fat, but the fact that most of the people in that gym were steroid monkeys, and I was still envious of their bodies. Now however its as if I have no shame at all! I mean there are still a lot of things I would change about my body given the chance, but going from being large to being medium has sort of put things into perspective about how much nobody gives a shit but you! Actually I was worried that I would start to pile weight on during the holidays from Uni, but actually I've managed to stick to it and tighten some of my unsightly loose skin.

All in all, I am rather proud of myself (or, whatever it is) and I think I am going to be daring enought to post pictures soon to report on my progress!

Now, where did I put the ice cream...

Like, totally awesome guys!

2010-07-04T10:12:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to say big up to my american friends.

Well done for taking your country back! You know what though, we didn't even want it. It smelled bad, it was too big to walk in flip flops and 'y'all tawk funney ov'r dey're.' Of course the Americans aren't bitter towards the english, not at all. Apart from charging us a bomb air fair and not really understanding how soccer works.

I'm obviously not going to fall into the utterly rediculous and low brow trap of making an obesity reference in my blog, but I will say that the Americans certainly tend to spoil themselves in most areas of life, especially their children.... but we still love you anyway, just don't sit on the couch, its light pine (haha, fat joke.)

Big love, yankees!

Dear Somebody.

2010-06-27T01:38:00.002+01:00

Get over yourself please.

Everyone has their problems, can you please stop adding you to my list? You see I'm there for my friends whenever they need me, but you have to get to the point where I can generally stand being around you first.

Oh, I'm sorry, that was stupid of me. Of course you don't understand why you are so irreparably annoying, and are therefore effecting my cognition by sharing my space )not even my personal space, just the general vicinity is enough to slow me down to single core processing.) Allow me to make a short list of things which annoy me that you probably can't help, then I'll cover the things you do conciously which make you a total phalus.

You talk in one tone, all the time (and then complain about other people who do it)
Your laugh

Short list right? So you think that you don't do many things that are annoying right? Wrong. Most of the shit that you do that is annoying you could actually not do if you so choose, which you clearly do not and I therefore feel totally justified in hating you for them.

You can't have a conversation without bringing in one of your many 'problems.' You list them like medals, all these mental illnesses you apparantly suffer from but show no actual signs of them (which is ironic, considering you apparantly studied psychology at some people and even with a meager college level education and some basic acting skills you could fake having such illnesses. Let me tell you, I will not name any one of the catalog of mental problems you profess to have or have been diagnosed with, but you would not be able to function at a level which you supposedly do if you did have a number of the things you mentioned. In fact given your apparent situation, I would argue that you would be dead by now, so its a shame these things aren't true, yes?

Wow that was harsh, I guess I feel more vicious bile for you than I thought. I think its because of how smug and condescending you are to people, how even through your massive amounts of attention seeking, you still think you operate on a level which is above other people. How you think that because you know long words you are somehow middle class. You are nothing, you have done nothing, you know nothing of sacrifice or hard work or commitment or perseverance. You know nothing of the illnesses you claim to have or the people who genuinely suffer from them. You have been offered opportunities on a plate and you turned your nose up, you don't even deserve to work, you just think people automatically owe you something.

Oh thats another thing, trying to claim benefits because you are apparently SO unfit for work, but the system is proving harder to screw than you originally thought right? Good for the system.

Christ you annoy me.

How dare you annoy me so much so that I need to blog to vent my frustration from just being near you.

Of course, I blog because despite how blunt and forward thinking I have become thanks to my studies, I am still too much of a nice person to say this to your face and risk upsetting you (and believe me, I wouldn't stop until you actually did attempt suicide.) And of course I don't mean you harm, well maybe a little actually, I want you to actually feel what its like to go through what you say you go through. I want to see if you'd still like attention after you have been to the very darkest place a person can go, and come out the other side. You wouldn't make it, you would die. I want you to go to the brink so that you can realise exactly how much it is that you have to be thankful for and how selfish and pig headed you are for vying for peoples sympathy to suit your vein attention seeking needs.

Good people have died this year, how dare you try and claim your life is so terrible when your don't even know what suffering is.

And stop laughing at your own jokes, or I will end you.

The grind.

2010-06-25T18:41:00.003+01:00

I am so super pleased with myself.

Had a chance to take a look at the Open Minds Group web site lately? I can safely say its one of the funkiest designs I've ever created, but thats not the only reason I'm pleased...

I'm now down to 12st, which isn't anything amazing except that my BMI has officially fallen to 22.95, I'm just 95 points away from 'average' for my height. Also, I've been working on toning up my arms all summer and the results are starting to show, my bingo wings are disappearing and my body confidence is creeping ever higher.

Oh, didn't I mention? This year I have decided to take a big step forward with my body confidence and walk the Manchester Pride Parade without a shirt on. Thats right, I'll be getting the guns out in front of over a million people. This isn't anything amazing mind, there are people who do far more, but for me its a big deal.

I've been rather active on the volunteering front actually. I've has so much free time since the summer break started from uni that I've just needed to fill the void. I've even taken up an interesting new hobby which I couldn't possibly tell anyone about until I get really good at it. Maybe its time like this when I should think about getting a man.

Nah, driving lessons first, then we'll work on getting a man.

Summer is here!

2010-06-21T19:47:00.003+01:00

Hey guys, Sye here.

So summer is upon us, and boy is it really pushing the heat to the limit. I think this is further proof that we are experiencing climate shift, past two years we have had consistant snowfall over a two week period, and now our summers are hotter for longer. It's to be expected, I mean our climate is in constant flux and has been since the planets creation, I don't think our greenhouse gases are helping it along but I disagree that mankind is entirely to blame.

Anyway, thats not why I'm posting. Check out the lovely new look, fancy eh? I figured as its summer and all I would spruce up the blog. Thats not the only reason, you see I'm considering buying some web space again and was playing around with some designs. I want to find a way to incorporate the blog into a new website which will have its own hosting package, but I'll have to see how that works out.

In other news, I just got a new phone! I've been meaning to get a contract phone for a while considering I was spending about £30 a month on pay as you go. Now I'm spending £15 a month to get more stuff on an infinitely superior phone. Now, I don't know phones, so when I got hold of my new Samsung Galaxy Portal I was astounded that you could get such a powerful phone for such a relatively cheap contract. I've already started firing emails and pictures and stuff from it, loaded all my contacts at the click of a button (or rather, the touch of a screen) and I'm gonna start downloading some fun apps to play with as well.

I may even blog from it!

Stonewall Youth Event, 2010

2010-06-06T12:13:00.002+01:00

Lets start from the very beginning (which is a very good place to start.)

On friday I hopped on the train bound for london , on my way to head to my hotel. Why was I headed to london you may ask? Well, I'll tell you. You probably know or have read at some point that I volunteer for Stonewall quite often whenever they have an event which they need youth volunteers at or perhaps if I am recieving an award or doing some training.

This time it was the Stonewall Youth Event which is basically a day of training for young people who want to know more about LGBT issues. The day involved a Q and A panel in the morning with some fabulously interesting LGBT guest speakers, this was a fab oppertunity to post a question to some professionals who are quite well known in their feild and out of the closet, it was lovely learning how far we have come just to have the event thanks to Stonewall.

We then went onto the workshops, there were two seperated by lunch and an active theatre-based workshop by the insatiable Rikki Beadle Blair who also directed and starred in the educational film 'FIT' (which if you haven't seen, I suggest you do so.)

Marie (my volunteering companion for the day) and I were in 'Know your rights' in the morning which is all about LGBT hate crime and reporting it, and about your rights as an LGBT consumer of things such as nhs services and schools and what not. We also had a lovely chat with a policeman who went a little through the procedure of hate crime and asured us that event thought it may SEEM like they do nothing about these things, they apparently DO take these claims seriously.

The last workshop was on coming out where we had a lovely chat in a seminar type thing about the issues surrounding coming out, what might make it easier or harder and and the results of how those issues may effect you coming out. I found this workshop perticularly interesting because I actually got to sit for with other LGBT young people about their experiences in coming out and just mixing things up and finding out how people took the amazingly brave step of coming out of the closet. I spoke to a girl called Maha who spoke an amazing seven languages, and found it much easier coming out over here in england than in her home country of morroco, lovely!

Right now I am sat on the train back to Wigan with another of the young volunteers and someone who took part in the event on the day, and I can say without a doubt although I am tired and achy, I feel incredibly enlightened, fulfilled and satisfied that I have done something good this weekend.

At the crossroads once more.

2010-05-28T23:07:00.002+01:00

I feel a little lost again.

I hate that feeling, I've had it before quite a few times I think, but this times its a little unsettling. My stand-up has ground to a halt and to be frank, although I love being on stage and making people laugh, it just isn't at the number one spot on my list of 'things to do.' I feel slightly guilty in saying and feeling that because a lot of people are willing me to do well, and I myself didn't think I would turn out to be someone who would 'give stand-up a go' but actually continue as I meant to go on. Oops, that was past tense, I'm trying to avoid talking about stand-up in the past tense because I do intend to continue at some point, maybe after the summer.

I will tell you this, the world of stand-up comedy asks a lot and delivers so startlingly little. You trall though lists upon lists of promoters whom don't get back to you, should you approach them offering your time in return for their stage. Your expected to travel up and down the country at your own expense for as little as a ten minute open spot, unpaid and sometimes unnoticed. All this in the hope that at some point, maybe one or two years down the line, someone might offer you money for the privilege, which for the first three years or so will go towards paying and paying off travel expenses from previous excursions.

All this, and then be expected to play nice, to stay on the good side of those fickle promoters who would just as soon as give you a bad name than answer the phone to you. To travel two hours out of your way to have the audience say "He was good, but not as good as the last guy," and to know that if you even think about complaining you will be branded as a 'chancer' or a 'hobbyist' or simply 'your heart isn't in it.'

The comedy circuit at the moment is having its throat crushed by open spots, as it stands the best clubs in Manchester have a five to six month waiting list and unfortunately, that is pretty much the score. So unless theres a drop-out I can jump on for a spot, I will just have to wait. In the mean time, I have plenty to keep me busy. Mainly because...

SUMMER HOLIDAYS!

I have about four months to play with and relatively few goals to achieve during that time, the first being to start my driving lessons. I'm going to try and tone up as well, because I've succeeded in the first task (losing the weight) being half a stone over my 'ideal' weight for my height, I now have to do something about this unsightly loose skin.

My goal is to have something which tightens the skin on my upper arms, chest and abdomen (and hopefully my arse, and get rid of my last remaining hurdle... the love handles.) I'm not particularly vein about my appearance, but having a toned upper body will help me with my gymnastics and dancing (I've recently gotten back into street dance and ballet, weeee!) as well as my cheer leading. It will also tighten up some (but probably not all) of the loose skin I am now sporting, which in some ways almost feels as bad as being over weight did at times.

You know, I was talking to an acquaintance the other day at my brothers wedding, and he was asking 'whats your secret Sye, how did you lose all that weight', and being the honest and blunt person I am I said without thinking 'I stopped eating.' Thats a bit of a lie, I didn't stop eating, I just considerably cut down my eating while considerably raising my exercise. It wasn't something I planned to do, it was just because Uni had just started and I didn't find time to go food shopping, so lived off the few things I had with me (which were all healthy foods such as fruit and cereals) during my first project, which was an exhausting three week run as an extra in a show at the Lowry (read about it here.)

He then says, with a what I can only think of as a massive air of authority something along the lines of 'You shouldn't do that, thats the wrong way to lose weight.'

...

Ok first of all, porky, I know it is the wrong way to lose weight, I know that whats best for your body and for your mind is to lose weight gradually over a long period of time. I know that this is what causes most diets to fail or have extremely short term effects, I advise people the same thing. I know all of the things that most people continue to tell me when I tell them that I considerably cut down my eating habits and considerably increased my exercise, and you know what? I feel fantastic! Even though it was the wrong way to lose weight, I did lose weight. Since I was 17 Ive struggled with my weight, the high point being 18 when I weighted over my age in stone. Numerous times I went on a detox or a diet or simply attempted to cut out one of my calorific delights altogether, and each time such a pursuit landed flat on its arse. I went back into education, did more volunteering, took leisure walks with the dogs, and slowly adjusted my diet swapping high calorific things such as fizzy pop for healthy things such as water. I lost weight slowly in this method but still I leveled out at 16 stone. This was still medically overweight, 4 stone over my ideal weight for my height.

You know what worked? Uni. The first month and a half took an enormous amount of energy to keep myself going, and having to adjust to living by myself I was yet to organise an adequate diet food supply. I lost three within two months and another stone and a half over the next three months. I now sit at roughly 12st 4lbs, which is about two thirds of a stone over my ideal BMI, without accounting for muscle mass. Say what you want about how I lost the weight, fact is; I lost the weight and kept it off, and now I have something to work with if I wanted to tone up, which I do.

Furthermore, Mr "I know everything about how to lose weight, and therefore feel qualified to tell you how not to do it, despite my current physique," I suggest next time you ask me a question, you should be great-full if you get an answer which isn't the removal of all your body hair with a floor waxer.

Lets get my blog on.

2010-05-01T23:42:00.003+01:00

Lets go over some of the stuff I've been up to recently.

First of all, regarding my last blog, I'm afraid that even the best of us get a little frustrated at being alone. I refuse to apologise for it, and as this blog has pretty much replaced my written diary, its up to me what I write, so there. Although, I myself am not comfortable with everyone and anyone getting their mits on my shortcomings and vulnerabilities, I should definitely consider digging out the last of my diaries and writing "Four years later...".

Four weeks left of my first year of Uni now, the final stretch before an uninterrupted summer break. The pressure is somewhat piling on, but I have consistently been achieving merits this year and therefore feel with the extra work I have put in, I deserve a little breathing room. I will not be resting on my laurels however, you won't catch me idly twiddling my thumbs waiting for next year to start, oh no! I intend on using some of my remaining loan to learn how to drive over the summer. I may even push for a small summer job, maybe a little light weekend work to tide me over and make sure my loan doesn't disappear completely.

Stand-up is up standing at the moment. Well, as far as my last gig is concerned it is, as I had such an awesomely ripping time with the other Manchester acts in one of the fullest, loveliest rooms I have ever played which for loyalty purposes I shall name: Yours Bar (the student bar on Salford Uni campus.)

The gig before was awful, but I have learned to take something from every gig I do, be it good or bad. I've learned that I am still a new act and I shouldn't be punishing myself for having a bad gig. I have learned that pressure and nerves make for an unfunny Sye, and to that end I need to channel the nerves into energy for my set rather than fear in my belly. I have learned that competitions are different to open spots in clubs or evenings simply in the way the audience judge you and share high expectations which are usually unfounded (as particular with Beat the Frog which is largely for new acts.) I am umming and arring about whether to start keeping a gig diary online, I mean I certainly want to keep one on paper (I have a diary, which I went out and bought specially the other day but it starts at August of this year, so I'll need a notebook until then I guess.) I need something to record who I am on with, how I expect the gig to go, how it actually goes, what I like, what I don't like, that kind of thing. Something which I can use to self evaluate, and also note down anything I think I can use at a later gig (as I do come up with some good stuff while on stage.)

I think since starting in January the main lesson is to slow down, to not expect big things so quickly. I think because (disregarding my first gig) I had a string of good gigs when I started I sort of hit the ground running, and when my inexperience caught up with me I took it much harder than an open spot at my level should have. I should enjoy the good gigs by all means, but learn from the bad gigs, instead of instantly deciding that I am shit and should never disgrace the stage and the name of comedy ever again. Right now my key issues are:

Be comfortable on stage.
Make sure the audience is having as much fun as I am.
Learn my routines, word perfect.

Once I feel I have achieved those, I will work on...

Riff more from the audience, using less material.
Write more.
Be more adventurous on stage.

Watching stand-up in and around Manchester really helps a lot, and I am finding that being friends with comedians is almost as rewarding as stage time. Like most institutions, the comedy circuit does have its dog-eat-dog aspects, but I really am enjoying spending time with comedians before and after shows, learning from them and sharing their anxieties. Talking comedy to those who know the ropes and getting to know people with whom I share the title of 'Open Spot.'

Then again, I have always been one to enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

Time to think?

2010-03-29T00:10:00.002+01:00

Perhaps I'm getting lonely. Or maybe I'm just bored! One things for sure, I have three weeks off for easter and I am already getting a little melancholy.

I think this happens a lot when I stop doing things. Well obviously I'm still doing things, but the number of responsibilities I have have been clipped for this week and the following two, as not only have I time off of uni, but have no gigs lined up either. In fact my next gig is on April 19th, the day I start back (that gig is at the famous Frog and Bucket, oh joy, competitions!) Regardless, the more time I have to myself the more I start thinking and subsequently reflecting on my life.

It would be a fair assumption based on how things are going for me at the moment, compared to how they were going this time last year that the reflection would not be so disheartening. I have achieved much in this year alone, I have lost three stone and am on my way to losing my fourth, I have done wonderful things and learned just as much in the industry I chose for my degree. January even saw my entry into the wonderful world of stand-up comedy, which has added a whole new avenue to my life, which I will have fun exploring. Still... I can't shake the feeling that I can be doing more. I still have not taken the step towards my driving licence, the step being lessons. In fact no, not even lessons, the step simply being to commit to even shopping around for an instructor and picking up the phone, and dedicating even a scrap of my time to it.

There is also the rather decrepit state of my love life. I don't often speak of it because I prefer to get on with other things. I do genuinely believe that I am too busy and therefore too selfish with my time to commit to a relationship. I also know full well that I am perfectly capable, if not better able to have a good time being single, and yet... I am reminded constantly that the world functions on relationships. It is the natural order of things, to find a partner, to be in love, to get dumped, to shop for curtains together, to do all those horrible things that people annoy me with by letting me know how amazingly happy they are in their relationships. At first I thought it was a simple fact that gay men are shallow, and that was an easy excuse for me.

I decided however, that this excuse simply wasn't good enough. If I was giving gay men such a label (which I still believe is true in a much broader, thinner scope) then I was selling myself short. I am not shallow, I have a type just like everyone has a type, but at this point its safe to say my type does not have many limits. In truth, I never made the conscious decision to lose weight, it just happened. But it was a convenient way of testing whether the theory that I was not finding luck with relationships because I was fat, and I'd already solved the problem of being ugly around about the time I started working for AAA Web Design (I must have been about 19ish?) I remember the moment I'd decided I need a new image, it was when someone had wrongly assumed my age to be somewhere in the region of twenty five after I had just turned twenty. So I shaped the beard, hid the stray hairs and stopped wearing those horrible round glasses all the time and huzzah! suddenly I was upgraded from troll to average. This I accept, and also accept that it would take yet more work to get me from average to good looking, as it would with a lot of people in my predicament (some of that work has already happened, in losing weight my face and neck have lost some of the chubbiness they had before and my face looks a little more shapely.)

I remember telling people, as I continue to tell people, that weight never factored in my happiness. I was happy overweight, and I am not happy in my normal weight bracket. If anything, in trying to be better looking I am now more conscious about what people think of me, which is stupid (and I'm sure there is a little troll Sye inside of me, laughing in triumph as I think these things.) But here I sit, typing as I do on Nelly, my sweet little laptop. I sit here typing on a subject which quite frankly has become more and more prevalent as the year progress', and do you know why? University. All those drop dead gorgeous, seemingly interesting, intelligent, young, fit, healthy, ambitious and available men, my age, I tell you I've felt like a bitch on heat this year.

It's not even the sex side of it, in fact I imagine even if I did find someone who I felt something for, the subject would still need to be approached gently as its not something I'm too interested in. I'd like a little game of pin-the-tail-on-the-dartboard-and-lets-hit-the-sheets-captain as much as the next guy, but not AS much, if you know what I mean. I think I just want to see what all the fuss is about, I want to see if I can achieve that level of friendship with someone. That level of absolute trust and warmth. Love I guess, thats what I want. I get a lot of love from the people around me, but I do sometimes feel as though I am a large charity tub for their excess love, that they offer to me as small morsels of pity-love that I must mibble on to keep the pangs of loneliness at bay (sorry, I've been reading E.A.P.)

There it goes, off into the nether. My melancholy thought and its culmination on this web page, which will then retreat to where it came from. The back of my mind... I mean come on, I'm not bad looking, I'm nice, I'm funny, I have a good body, I am just very awesome, how stupid do you have to be to not like me!

When I do meet a good guy, I'm gonna kick him in the shins for not finding me sooner.

Last Week

2010-03-23T10:36:00.005Z

I had a full week last week, boy let me tell you! In fact I would go as far as to say that last week has been the busiest week of the year. Lets break it down, old school...

Monday I traveled from Wigan in the morning to catch my class which ran from 11:30am to 12am, then went and met a friend for lunch. From there my friend and I caught the train to Manchester, then onto Stockport where I had a gig. The gig was filmed as part of a TV project, and I have been assured that I will get a copy of the gig, so stay tuned for that.

After that I had to hop on the train back to Manchester and from there back to Wigan to attend B.yoU (the youth group I frequent.) We had to sort things out for the residential at the weekend, dot the i's and so on. After the meeting, quick taxi home to pick up some extra clothes and then the last train back to Salford for some much needed respite.

Tuesday Up bright and early for a spot of swimming, I felt guilty as I had a cold the week before and didn't get a chance to go swimming at all, so I fancied a nice relaxing swim. From there to Voice class at 12am where we are working on our RP and American accents, and after that I had Movement class which is normally mask work but our Tuesday tutor was ill so we had Clowning instead, which is so awesome! Quick lunch then I'm off doing my shopping at Tesco's which consists of apples and bread (all my other shopping I buy in bulk once a month and store, it saves my poor little arms.)

Tuesday evening I enjoyed a lovely gig with my good friend Red Redmond who was on the bill with the likes of Colin Manford and the fabulous Jonathan Mayor. Its a really nice gig (the one I did in my pervious post) and a good place to network with other new acts.

Wednesday Oh boy, Wednesday. I was up at 8am and caught the train to Manchester, I had to catch a train down to London. I was being presented with an award by Stonewall for all the volunteering work that I've over the past six months. I arrived at London Euston two hours after setting off and got the ride the tube to Charing Cross. From there it was a short walk to Planet Hollywood where the other young volunteers and I enjoyed a nice complementary meal. Then it was a short walk to the London Eye which was amazing, as the day was really clear and sunny and you could see over the whole of london...

...I took an ass load of pictures which will make their way to my facebook eventually, and I also plan on making a number of project out of them, but for now, back to the story. After the eye we all took a brisk walk over to the Stonewall offices across the road (I know, across the road from the London Eye!) and met the gang. Well, I knew quite a lot of them anyway from the residential last august. We also got the chance to watch the first half hour of FIT, a new educational film by Rikki Beadle Blair (who is just lovely and awesome.) After that another brisk walk across the bridge and we had the award ceramony in a posh hotel (the kind of hotel someone who looks like me would be sleeping in the doorway of.)

It was all very pleasant and I got my award, I also got the chance to go out onto the balcony and get an amazing view of the Themes...

...and that was it, quick ride on the tube to Euston, then a train home. all in all a good day.

Thursday
Thursday wasn't perticularly eventful, classes as normal (yey more Clowning!) and in the evening I decided not to go to cheer leading. We did however get our team photo taken which I'm sure I will post at some point.

Friday
No classes on friday! Instead I had to be at my student union for 1pm, as I had a date with a camera. I was asked to be interviewed for one of the Uni's video projects. Basically they just asked me questions such as "what is a lecture?" and things like that, and I answered them. If I understand it correctly the aim of the video is to help teach younger people about Uni life.

After that it was straight back to Wigan, I had to pack for our wonderful residential to Coldwell near Pendle Hill. However, I will be saving the weekend for another post, as I am running out of time. I have a gig tonight and I need to get ready!

It suits me being that run-in, I like being busy. Although I admit that come Monday I was so tired I missed class in the morning, I felt like death. I have a three week break coming up this friday, so I will probably spend all of that playing games, watching comedy, chilling out, hanging out and generally living like scum. Can't wait!

Another gig...

2010-03-04T12:04:00.002Z

...which went well!

I'm getting a bit concerned now because I know there's some shit gigs on the way, there must be. I'd rather get them out of the way early so that I don't get going and then flat line somewhere, that would be bad. What am I thinking, it's going to happen eventually. I should just ride the wave of good gigs while I can.

Oddly enough, Tuesday's gig was at the same venue as my second gig (which kinda goes to show that I'm not gigging enough) but the room was just as lovely and responsive and eager to let me play on stage, which thats exactly what I did.

Thats right, I had about five minutes of material in my head and that was it. Almost everything I said was either ideas that had been kicking around in my skull or improv'd on the night (and I admit that it is a really good night to improv considering the students just GET the jokes.) I think thats the best thing about improv, the fact that the jokes are being created in real time so everyone understands the thinking behind them. It also personalises the gig to the punters your performing to, although I've only clocked three gigs at this point, none of them have had the same set, and I really like that. I'm going to try and pimprov at least two minutes per spot now to see if it works out. I have seen a few open spots on the circuit more than once, and they have performed the same material each time, and its funny (it will be, its been tried and tested) but Id like to think everyone in the room can have a genuine laugh at my set even if I do 5 mins of pre-written stuff.

Who knows, maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew, I am only an open spot after all. I figure if I am going to be doing this kind of experimenting stage time I'm better off doing it now.

Healthy update

2010-02-12T20:12:00.002Z

This healthy living lark isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Well, I mean not when I'm at Uni.

When I'm at Uni during the week, I can limit the amount of food available to me and therefore am less likely to go apeshit eating crazy at mealtimes. I am more likely to focus on portion control and am therefore capable of recognising when I'm full. My typical day involves Cheerios or a Coffee for breakfast, I carry Water and an Apple with me throughout the day in case I get peckish. Lunch is usually a sandwich and same with tea.

At home on the other hand, I have food on tap. Its available to me a thousand times over! Chippy up the road, pasties, pop, chocolate and then some, all as much as I can eat and believe me ladies and gentlemen I have very little willpower when I am at home. Here in Salford, between a healthy diet and swimming I am actually doing well for myself, but at the weekend I over eat massively. I suppose my healthy diet is more a question of will power than availability of food. I haven't changed my diet at all, just the circumstances in which I find myself eating.

I weighed myself this morning after a nice swim and am now Im 13st 1, which according to my previous post which I weighed myself (last November) means I have lost four pounds. My weight seems to have stabalised, which means for me to lose any more weight I am going to need to push myself beyond what I am already doing. I guess that means eating less and exercising more, although don't go getting the wrong idea here, I am not a health freak nor a body lover, I'm just trying something new. I really have an issue with beautiful people who are naturally good looking without even trying, and are vein about it. If at the end of this, when I have reached my normal weight bracket I don't like what I see then I will put the weight back on. I'm not getting thin to be beautiful (in fact, my ideal guy is someone with a little extra, I don't find thin people attractive) I am getting thin to see what its like, if means I can wear nicer clothes, or stop feeling so damn hot all the time, or if I am more flexible and can get those gymnastics down that Ive been trying.

I am body confident because of how far I've come, and don't have issues with my looks. In fact I carry my stretch marks and loose skin as battle scars of how big I was at my low point, and how far I've come. And they're fun to play with at parties.

Identity crisis... sort of.

2010-02-11T22:26:00.002Z

Something has been plaguing me recently regarding identity and persona. Even typing that sentence I realise how totally screwed up my thinking is on the subject so I'm afraid you will need to bare with me, I am ad libbing here, as I haven't even hit the nail on the head as to what I've been thinking of.

Identity and persona are two different coins each with two sides, internal and external. Well, its obviously more complicated that that but for now I really need things to be a bit more simplified so I'll stick with them. For the past few weeks or so I have been terribly confused about my feeling towards some of the guys in my group at Uni, instantly I know what your thinking and to be honest this is where the confusion started but I will go into detail on that.

At first I was thinking that they were really cool, and I wanted to get to know them better as friends. I do realise that I have relatively few straight male friends that I am close to, I have always been afflicted with a boyish awkwardness around straight men, and I really am stereotyping here because I know a ton of straight men who are so varied and different that it is unfair of me to just give them a singular label, but this is one of my issues so, there you go. These guys are good guys, they do all the things good guys do such as laugh at what is funny, are polite and respectful with the capability to be not grown up (which is a speciality of mine) and generally make the right choices in what to take seriously and what not to take seriously. These are very good qualities for a friendship, and there is less of the two faced, bitchey or backstabbyness that some of my female friends exhibit from time to time (everyone has their flaws right? gender be damned.)

Maybe its because I do find some of them cute, I have an inbuilt weariness when it comes to good looking people as there is usually a connection between good looks and vanity, but I don't see anything beyond cheeky bravado which I kind of admire. This got me thinking that I could have fallen for one of them, which as other gay men would know is a very horrible thing to think. Imagine spending enough time with someone whom you think attractive, to get to know them and to get to know who they are inside as well as out and find yourself falling for them. The scenario is a perfect love story budding and desperate to bloom, except there is one immovable, irrevocable barrier which stops this happiness, and that is that in no way can any relationship ever develop because of the boundaries of intimacies and sex. This, to me, is a soul destroying thought and wracked me throughout college. The idea that I might accidentally find myself in love with a straight man, it was the only thing at the back of my head which made me think 'god I hate being gay.' Since college, I learned to keep my distance from straight men, I built a persona of exclusion from that portion of the populous to protect myself from any feelings which may occur whilst on duty.

I think I have it now, that actually makes things a lot clearer. Just writing this blog has given me a window into how I ended up in this position, and it makes so much sense! A defense mechanism, we all use them be for large or small reasons, to hide issues or to hide from issues. I became the girls best friend to avoid the possibility of becoming a guys best friend, and in doing so I feel so uncomfortable with how I act with men that I couldn't even tell whether I was falling in love with them or simply wanted to be their friends.

Yesterday, during a conversation with a friend of mine from my course (a girl) I realised that was I felt for the guys in my class (one in particular) wasn't infatuation or lust, which I was avoiding thinking about but niggled away at the back of my mind. I admire them, I actually admire how normal they are around each other, I mean sure they will have their ticks and insecurities just like mine, and will be in the process of working those out. But they are comfortable being who they are, and being the same way amongst themselves without differentiating between the genders. Maybe its because they are performance students that they find this easier to come across, or perhaps I'm being nieve in thinking that this is something new. In fact,I know it isn't.

This has happened before, in the group in last semester (they change groups amongst our year group every semester) there was the guys club, and it was not exclusive. It might shock you to fight that Media and Performance has a higher ratio of gays than your average course, but even the other gay men in my group got on well with the lads. It was just me who seemed to be in the mote, just outside the castle of collective friendship. The girls I got on with fine, but conversations with the other guys were startlingly brief.

The question now is, my persona, my identity to the while still completely external has been set in stone. Sure, I'm funny, I make people laugh. I'm friendly and polite, and helpful which is very nice of me thank you, sure no problem. I think I have grown old before my time, while I cam completely capable of playing and being childish I seem to have a mist of stature about me which might be clouding my vision, or other peoples perception of me. It is my outlook that must change, no wait thats silly I have a perfectly cheery and friendly outlook, sprinkled lightly with a dollop of wit. What could it be... nothing comes to mind...

Hmm, I'm sitting here, in front of my laptop, having decided that it is I who must make a change for my persona to change and therefore the perception of myself change in others. I want to remain everything I always have been, but now add 'accepting male friends, please inquire inside' to that list. Actually come to think of it, the guys I am referring to have had conversations with me, not very long, lasting conversations but conversation none the less. I've made them laugh, we've made each other laugh, and find common interests to talk about. Am I being a nob head? is expecting more than that, expecting too much?

Bam! There it is, I think I've hit the nail on the head. Friendships develop when both parties invest equally, I admire these guys for their non-camp bloke-ish-ness, for their ability to be cheeky and boyish while remaining firmly in the category of straight without drag-queeneqsue bitchery and slag-offery. Maybe now I have identified what I admire, I can learn from them. Maybe in doing so, I will seem more approachable and desirable as a friend which I hope happens, but am willing to allow things to progress naturally. I'm an actor, I'm a comic, I know how to mimic and act and mime and do all the things it takes to give me the mannerisms and thought processes of someone displaying a tick, maybe this will be my next project.

Well, thank you blog, we've done some good work today. Now lets his the showers!

Coming soon...

2010-02-04T00:50:00.002Z

I don't want to tantalise you but I am considering having a once a month Vlog to see how things go. I think it would be a good way to get me used to presenting to a camera, one thing which I do want to look into the the future is maybe a small documentary of some kind.

Presenting and stand-up go hand in hand I think, well maybe I have phrased that wrong. Presenting and competing go hand in hand, and compering is a progression on a stand-ups career so you see where I'm coming from. I'm thinking science, I'm thinking history and I'm also thinking popular-culture/modern issues in our society, I just need to think of a subject that I am passionate enough about, that I can work with.

I am learning how to use a camera next week, my Vlog will probably based on an upcoming project as a way of just maybe killing two birds with one stone, I definitely want to spice things up a bit. At the moment, Uni wise, things are getting interesting. As of the Monday just gone we (my group and I) are on a three week TV Acting project, we workshop for three hours a day in the afternoon but work continues for two or three hours solo study (and that is, real study/reflective writing/script learning/extra curricular reading, not just solo study as in 'time off'.) It's nice that we are being pushed, and it feels less like a Mickey Mouse course and more academic. Our teacher Erin (Erin Shanagher) is awesome, she is SO professional and passionate with her work and really does not take shit (but she has a sense of humour, so I can dig it.) Some of our lecturers have been a bit too 'thespian' if you know what I mean, a bit too 'Performing ARTS, darling' RADA'ish type head in the clouds business, which is not really practical for teaching. I want down to earth, real world advise for this cut-throat industry and Erin delivers that without stepping on your own vision and ideas.

So yeah, theres an update for you. I think tomorrow I will update on how the health stuff is going, I think I might have put on a bit of weight but I won't go into that just yet. Have a good'n!

Warcraft: the update.

2010-01-31T01:16:00.001Z

Just a quick post to let all four of you know that my account has been un-'permanently suspended' and they are looking into restoring all the items I lost while some hacker raped my characters.

Happy days.

This Warcraft business.

2010-01-28T22:30:00.002Z

Ladies and gentlemen, my account got hacked.

Thats right, you always think that it will never happen to you, when in actually fact, its happened to me. The gits changed my password (according to an automated email from Blizzard) and a few hours later BAM, another email from Blizzard told me that my account had been permanently suspended.

This all happened last week, and after a very firm message to the security department regarding my account I still have had nothing from them besides the email telling me they had received my message and were "looking into it". I am getting increasingly tired of Blizzard at this point and have already started looking into other avenues of entertainment which I can use to supplement the boredom which WoW alleviated. Unfortunately it will be some time before FFXIV is released, and I am still uncertain as to whether I could play that or not on Nelly (my laptop.)

I will keep you posted with news as I get it (I am sure your all on pins)

My second gig...

2010-01-21T13:32:00.005Z

...was amazing!

Don't worry, as I hit the circuit Im not going to report on how every one of my gigs go, but this one is a major turning point considering how bad my last one went; let me take you on a journey...

I had emailed the promoter of Yours Comedy which is a comedy night held at Salford student union at the weekend, but didn't hear anything back for a few days and so assumed I was not on the bill. On the monday, Red (Red Redmond, my comedy buddy) and I went to see Beat the Frog (BtF) at the Frog and Bucket which is a comedy club in manchester, famous for harbouring such serial comedians as Peter Kay, Johnny Vegas, Alan Carr etc... and has a fantastic, electric energy.

BtF was compared by the gloriously fabulous Jonathan Mayor whom I had a brief chance to chat with and is so genuinely charming, I can't wait to hit the circuit for the chance to be on a bill with him. We watching the two eight minute spots who were very good and the competition started. For anyone who doesn't know, BtF is a friendly(ish) gong show, comedians and comediennes try to be consistently funny for five minutes, if they manage five minutes without being gonged off (three random members of the audience are given score cards, if all three cards are raised, the acts are gonged) which is a lot harder than it sounds (and it doesn't sound easy, does it.)

We stayed for the first half, in which we saw three acts. The first was dissapointing, he was a guy who 'had tourrettes' (I have quoted it because I'm not 100% convinced he genuinnely has tourrettes, and a number of sources have evidence to support my doubts) which isn't a bad thing, except that his comedy didn't really hold water besides the random outbursts of swearing which to me seemed contrived (hence my doubts.) Even this along is fine, because BtF is a place for new acts to hone their skills as I hope to do at some point, yes it was mainly the 'ticks' which were getting the laughs and some of his jokes I'm sure I'd heard before but the worst was yet to come. Towards the end of the five minutes so spent about thirty seconds saying "I can't believe this, I have genuinely forgot my act" and then being silent for a bit, then saying it again. Now at first everyone said "Aaaawwww" and after about ten or so seconds, assuming he was just going to leave the stage having made people laugh and ran out of steam, the audience started to applaud. The cheeky sod stayed on the stage because he'd remembered his material! A few minutes later the music played signalling five minutes and he had supposedly 'Beat the Frog', which in fact, he didn't.

Anyway, It was a bit of a turn around but I'm not bitter (I probably would be if I was in the comp) because if he thinks his material is good and it made people laugh, he will keep doing it; if it keeps working, then good, but I can't help thinking at some point he will get a crowd who thought the same thing as I do and a few other people at the back of the room. I won't dwell on that but the evening had left me feeling anxious about performing stand-up considering that the act after him has been on the circuit a while and even compared a few shows, and she got gonged off within a few minutes (which isn't a reflection on her, she is actually funny, well she would have to be to compare right?) If people are gonging off good acts and keeping on people who admit to forgetting their material in the middle of their set, what hope was there for me?

Due to massive failures by the transport of Manchester it took me about two hours to get home (long story) but when I got home on the Monday, I checked my emails and what should I find? I'd been given an open spot for the day after! Christ I was shitting myself.

In fact, Red had read (har har) the line up for Tuesdays comedy night before I had, so he literally knew I was on before I did. I spent about four hours priming my material and had got a collection which genuinely made me laugh every time I read through it, but after seeing BtF I was so nervous I was having coffee farts all evening. Red came round to my halls to check through my stuff and just stop me from going insane, which was massive help to me, I doubt it would have gone as well without his support. The time came to go there and wait for the show to begin, which it inevitably did. the compare arrived, as did all the other acts for the stage that night and I was second on (I wasn't told, which added a bit of comedy to me doing mincing dash to the stage from the back of the room) then the fun began.

It was amazing! I remember much more of it this time, I remember there being a lot more improv than I intended but I only carried on with it because the audience loved it! The room was alive with energy and I was just encouraged to push my material to its limits, in the end I didn't even get halfway through my material before I had to finish on a strong gag and give someone else a chance, but the applause and laughter were genuine and to my ears it was thunderous and divine. I didn't want to leave the stage! At the rate I was going, I probably could have stretched my material over twenty minutes and beyond.

thinking back, there were definitely moments which I used improv because I had forgotten the link to the next joke, and there were a couple of moments were I stood on stage thinking, but I became quickly aware that I was losing the energy of the room and as soon as I got that, my material came flooding back. I also did a terrible thing, at the start of my act where I improv to get into my material I ended up picking on an audience member, and It was quite a bitchy thing that I said which I feel bad about. Even if everyone laughed and loved it, I'd hate to think that the person I hit with a comeback left the gig feeling bad. I realised this throughout my act and offered a few consolidation gags to him, and apologised to him afterwards so I think its cool.

I just wanted to stay on the stage and perform to the audience, I wanted to get into what I'd started but there just wasn't any time. The next thing I'll do is tighten my act, cut what didn't hit the high notes and condense so that I get further down my set in ten minutes and be able to finish with a strong gag at the end before I leave.

The last time I did stand up, I felt like shit afterwards, I really did. This time, I cannot wait to get back on stage and make people laugh!